SILENT NIGHT (2012)

Terrible.  Why should I spend even more than one minute writing this review when it's obvious the makers of this stinker barely spent more than that coming up with the story?  Step 1) Small town. Step 2) Butthole in Santa suit going around killing people.  Step 3) The End.  Hey, look at me!  I'm a movie writer!!!

Lens flare overdose, weak story, unimaginative kills, boring looking Santa killer dude, poor acting by everybody (except for that cussing kid), nice looking picture, fancy cinematography that irritated me, unattractive nudity, lots and lots of talking.  Skip the fuck out of this turkey and never look back.  Alright minute's up.

 Hey, it's ol' girl from MR. HUSH.  I hate the fact that I know that.

 This kid's brief foul-mouthed appearance was the highlight of the movie.  They should make a movie about her and Tyler from FISH TANK.

THE WEST POINT STORY (1950)

One year after brutalizing Virginia Mayo in WHITE HEAT James Cagney teams up with her again and this time they're a musical couple (he's a Broadway director and she's his assistant) hired to help put on a show at West Point.  Stuff happens and next thing you know 51-year-old Cagney is a cadet at West Point!  And if that's not bad enough his lead star falls in love with Doris Day and wants to quit so he can marry her.

I got a kick out of THE WEST POINT STORY...at least the first two acts.  Towards the end it gets a little bogged down in the patriotism/love conquers all stuff but even then it's not as bad as you would expect.  Through out it all though Cagney is excellent.  His one-liners were funny, his facial expressions perfect and his physicality hilarious (I especially liked his angry jumps and his happy dance that looked like Porky Pig).  And let's not forget Virginia Mayo and Doris Day.  Both beautiful and both a joy to watch...and listen to as well.  Doris Day blows all the other singers out of the water.  I was also surprised by Virginia's amazing dancing skills.  I had no idea she was so talented!

Not the greatest musical I've ever seen (SINGIN' IN THE RAIN), but still a lot of fun to watch and I would gladly watch it again.  Recommended.

Skipper!

POSEIDON (2006)

You know the story: boat, wave, upside down, survivors struggle to escape.  I can't really remember anybody begging for yet another Poseidon movie, but they made it anyway.  This time around Kurt Russell is the main guy leading the survivors to safety.  He's alright, but really the script is so bland, the role could have been played by about anybody. 

Brief character introductions, wave crashes, boat flips, survivors argue and some set off to the bottom of the boat to get out through a hole, along the way they run into all kinds of stuff: water, fire, tight spaces, dated CGI, underwater swimming, blah, blah, blah. I, with my gigantic brain, could come up with an fresh, entertaining take on the old Poseidon story, but this soulless remake, while it isn't bad, is just too much like the original film to be enjoyable.  Worth watching for all the explosions and Emily Rossum's cleavage but that's about it.  I'll never watch it again even if I live to be 1,500 years old.

Part 1 The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
Part 2 - Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)
Remake 1 - The Poseidon Adventure (2005)

THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (2005)

One of the thing that women find most attractive about me is my ability to watch horrible movies.  "Ohh, did you see the way he watched SCARECROW SLAYER?!" they say bubbling over with unbridled lust.  "I once heard he watched AX'EM twice!!!" they think to themselves as they masturbate urgently in the shower.  Yes, I am one of the few people on the planet to watch ZOMBABIES without resorting to burning down their house and somehow even even finished SLIMED without punching my cat in his cute little furry face, but even my supermacho shitty movie tolerance skills were put to the test by this 174 minute TV remake of THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.

First off not only does the movie look like total shit, but it also has a bunch of unneeded stuff about the terrorists planning and acting out the bombing onboard the Poseidon that leads to it for whatever reason flipping over instead of just sinking.  It's all very cheap looking and the story padded out so much that the pain is almost insufferable.  I did somehow found the strength inside of me to trudge threw it, but it wasn't easy and I regretted doing so the entire time.  When I'm laying on my death bed, I'll probably be willing to give anything for another 174 minutes of life and here I am now just throwing it away.  So let my wasteful suffering be a warning to you: don't watch this movie ever!  Instead do something productive with that 174 minutes like asking that hot chick/dude/dudechick/chickdude out on a date or reading a book or curing cancer or masturbating in the shower.

Part 1 - The Poseidon Adventure (1972)
Part 2 - Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979)
Remake 2 - Poseidon (2006)