ZOMBIE 4: AFTER DEATH (1988)

This is a complete guess at the story since I never fully figured it out: a bunch of people run around while being chased by zombies. The End. I should also note that the zombies actually looked more like burnt ninjas than actual zombies because for some reason all of the zombies wore full body black clothing and jumped around nonstop like grasshoppers. The death scenes were laughable, the special effects were terrible, zero nudity, zero gore, lots and lots of vomiting, a gay porn star as the main actor, slow walking zombies, gun shooting zombies, running like a scalded ass ape zombies, talking zombies, jumping zombies. Tons of laughs, but zero scares. My advice is to avoid this funny turd, but if you insist on seeing it then just rent it.

Why would anybody ever need that many pockets on a vest? What could you possibly put in there?

THE BURROWERS (2008)

[Update 03/02/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I'll be damned. This movie was actually alright. When I rented it, I figured it would individually suck every dick this side of the Mississippi, but I was wrong.

The Dakota Territories, 1879. Borrowing heavily from THE SEARCHERS a girl is kidnapped in the dead of night from her frontier home. The young man who's been courtin' her rounds up a posse and they go off in search of the Indians who took her...except it wasn't Indians, it was some gross underground humanoid creatures that when it attack it paralyzes you with some puss, then buries you alive (except for your face) and you slowly get all gooey and then they return and eat you alive.

The movie is not great, by any stretch of the imagination, just above average, but the thing that really makes this film stand out above 99% of modern horror movies is (1) the director has talent and (2) the actors can actually act...not just run around in circles screaming like fucking idiots. If you expect a nonstop bloodbath you're going to be disappointed, there's a lot of build-up, but if you like a little story along with your monster attacks then this is definitely a good watch.

A LONELY COW WEEPS AT DAWN (2003)

Hollywood might be out of ideas, but Japan ain't! An elderly farmer is going senile, so instead of shipping him off to an old folk's home to die, his widowed daughter-in-law (who lives with him) runs out to the barn each morning before him, strips naked and takes the place of his favorite (now dead) cow, Bessie.

That's some weird shit, but somehow this movie still comes off as being sweet. With a better cast and fewer pointless sex scenes it might have actually been touching...it's not often you'll hear me asking for less sex scenes, but I found myself not caring about the sex and being more interested in the story and the bizarre emotional bond that's developed between the old senile man and his daughter-in-law. I would love to see a serious remake of this film, not as a sex movie, but an actual drama.

That said, I really can't recommend this movie. It's definitely unique, but the story is too slow and the sex scenes where very boring.

Here's the NSFW screenshots you were looking for.

DEVIL (2010)

[Update 03/29/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Five strangers are trapped in an elevator together. One of them might actually be Satan! How...stupid.

Being that M. Night Shyamalan came up with the story, you automatically know it's going to have more twists than an octopus gangbang, but what's funny is the red herrings he throws out are more interesting than the actual ending! If this movie had thrown the supernatural aspect in the garbage and just did a straight murder mystery it would have been way better.

Good acting, nice beginning, strong middle, crappy ending, zero nudity, very little violence, a few drops of blood. Worth a single viewing, but that's it. It was better than I expected, but that's not saying much. Even at only 80 minutes, it was too long. Trim off 20 minutes, drop the supernatural silliness and recut it as an episode of some other horror anthology show.

HANDS ON A HARD BODY (1997)

I enjoy quirky, little slice of life documentaries like this.  This time around, the slice of life featured is a "hands on a hard body" contest staged by a car dealership in Longview, Texas in 1995.  Now a hands on a hard body competition (as far as this film goes) is where a group of contestants (24 in this case) all start out at the same time with one hand placed on a vehicle.  There's certain rules on how you must stand, regulated bathroom breaks, etc., but the main objective is: whoever can stand there the longest, without taking their hand off the vehicle..wins the whip.  It's honestly a fascinating idea.  Standing there is obviously boring and sucks, but the main thing that fucks people up is the lack of sleep!  These motherfuckers all started out at the beginning of the film talking about their grand ideas and full-proof plans of how they're going to win, but then fast-forward 30+ hours later and they're dropping like flies.  It was awesome.

 

Another thing that makes this film stand out (in a good way) is how amateurish and rough around the edges it looks.  I have no idea what the story is behind this film (I would love to see a full-length documentary about HANDS ON A HARD BODY itself), but it appears to have been filmed for about the cost of a camera or two, some sound equipment and then editing.  It's rough as hell, but that only adds to the reality and desperation of the characters in the film.  I really don't understand why there hasn't been a follow-up to this movie.  Hell, I want a 6-hour documentary about that dude with the industrial air condition unit on his house!

 

Could it have been better?  Oh god yeah.  But is it still worth watching?  Most definitely!  The only real drawback I found to HANDS ON A HARD BODY is it leaves you with more questions than answers and you'll end up finding yourself wasting numerous hours doing online searches and literally daydreaming about the film!  I found myself recently trying to figure out a way to write a fiction story about a hands on a hard body contest, like the one in this film, but one of the characters was actually an assassin using the competition as a cover to kill somebody at the car dealership!