APRIL FOOL'S DAY (1986)

Nine entitled rich college students plan a party weekend at the secluded island estate of classmate Muffy St. John, but end up getting picked off one by one...off screen in completely bloodless ways.  On the ferry ride over there's an accident, due to some of the college pricks horseplaying, resulting in one of the workers getting his head all smashed up.  They feel bad for a few minutes, but then it's time to paar-tay...and by paar-tay I mean eat dinner and then go to bed.  The next day their host starts acting weird.  Then guests start disappearing and people begin to suspect it could be her or somehow the guy with the crack skull.  None of it makes much sense, but it doesn't matter cause the whole thing is so lightweight that I doubt could take this film seriously.  First off, the victims just disappear, so the audience doesn't even have a villain to be scared of.  Secondly, there's no violence! Minus some swearing and a few obscene gestures APRIL FOOL'S DAY could be shown almost unedited on network TV.

Zero gore, lame mystery, zero blood, fake looking decapitated heads, zero sex, cheesy acting, lame 80's sex humor.  The most interesting thing about the whole movie is the cast.  You got: Tom Wilson from BACK TO THE FUTURE, that dude who played the sleepy stripper dude in SUMMER SCHOOL and that blond chick from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2.  Also, that poster is badass!

On a side note I tried to watch the 2008 remake (if it actually is a remake), but I had to turn it off after like 10 minutes cause it was fucking terrible.  Made my Oppo smell like dung beetle pussy!

VALENTINE (2001)

From the director of URBAN LEGEND comes the safe story of some young ladies who were mean to a nerd at a middle school Valentine's Day dance and now (thirteen years later) one of the girls is murdered by a nerd in a cherub mask.  After that, all of the remaining girls get Valentine cards and then get picked off one by one in mildly imaginative ways until the big Valentine's Day party at the end.

Light blood, zero gore, zero nudity, very little cussing, zero mystery as to who the killer was, zero scares, unfunny attempts at humor, somebody referring to David Boreanaz as "not an angel".  On paper it sounds bad, but it wasn't actually that horrible.  Just a little bit horrible.  Never once did anything original happen, but at the same time I was mildly entertained.  Worth a watch for very non-demanding and very bored horror fans. 

IMDb says the budget was $29M, but that's gotta be incorrect cause there damn sure ain't $29 million on the screen!  I'd be shocked if the budget was over $10M.