PIRANHA (1978)

"Lost River Lake...terror, horror, death.  Film at 11."

Two idiot hikers break into a fenced-in facility that's clearly posted as "No Trespassing".  They see a huge tank of liquid and jump in. It could have been a pool full of giraffe urine, but these fuckers don't care, they're here to par-tay.  Ends up, instead of giraffe urine, it was actually full of mutated and highly aggressive piranhas.

An investigator is sent to find the two idiots, so (being an idiot as well) she also breaks into the facility and without consulting anybody, drains the pool into a nearby river! (In my opinion, that makes her responsible for every single person that got killed or injured by the piranhas.) Anyway, so now the fish are loose and they're hungry as Hell.  They just eat the fuck out of everybody for the rest of the movie. They even somehow kill a dude who was sitting on a dock with his feet in the water. Hint: pull your goddamn feet out of the water!

Blood, zero CGI special effects, brief titties, funky 70's bodies, humorous attack scenes, the word piranha pronounced as pran-yah, Phil Tippett getting eaten by pran-yah, Paul Bartel getting bit in the face by a pran-yah, okay acting, some dude who looks like it's going to take him three days to blow up his pool lounger, Lone Star Beer and as with most Roger Corman films from this period you can literally spend hours on IMDb looking at the cast and crew.  For example, look up the guy on the water skies or the woman at the rental car desk.  And I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you who director Joe Dante is.

Part 2 - Piranha II: The Spawning (1981)
Remake - Piranha (1995)
Reboot 1 - Piranha 3D (2010)
Reboot sequel - Piranha 3DD (2012)

MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (2008)

[Update 03/08/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

What is the point of this movie? Does it even take place in our universe or in some alternate reality where extremely dumb shit is commonplace? From what I can tell, there's this "midnight" train that leaves every night at, uh, 2:06 A.M. and every night this dude attacks the last few passengers with a large hammer until CGI blood shoots out all over the place. The train drives on to a hidden location then the driver and the killer feed the corpses to some monsters. Why? What? How? What the fuck? That's stupid. Wouldn't you think the police would become interested when the same train has multiple disappearances every fucking night?! Yeah, there's this one lone copper that's in cahoots with the murderers, but how can she cover up the hundreds of murders all by herself?

Alright lets just forget the ignorant story for a minute and concentrate on the violence...it sucks. The killer never says a word and his only facial expression is the "I'm trying to hold in a giant fart" expression. He has zero screen presence and he's not scary. Also, his weapon is stupid: a giant shiny hammer.  Jason from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3 would slaughter the fuck out of this guy in 5 seconds!

Honestly I cannot think of any reason to ever watch this movie. It's unoriginal, slow and has no personality. There is nothing here that you haven't already seen before. If you need me, I'll be in my room listening to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer".

ZOO (2007)

It's amazing how a film with such an interesting subject - the infamous "Mr. Hands" horse love video where a guy is loved to death by a stallion - could be so boring. The facts we know are some men got together for a weekend of fellowship and horse molesting, but ZOO never goes any farther than that. There are a few audio interview clips from three of the participants told over vague reenactments, but that's it! Where are the interviews with psychologists, human sexuality experts, police, family members, hell anybody that could shed some light on why a person would sink to the level of not only being penetrated by a two foot horse dong, but actually going through the trouble of finding like-minded perverts, getting together and filming it?

Very disappointing. The only interesting things I learned from this 76 minute snoozer was Mr. Hands had a cast of the horse's penis in his apartment and that one of the miniature horses on the ranch was trained to suck another horse's dick. What the fuck is wrong with people? It's a good thing the aliens in THE ABYSS didn't see the Mr. Hands video instead of Ed Harris sacrificing himself to save his wife or we'd all be dead right now!!!

Thumbs up for making a documentary about such an interesting subject, thumbs down for doing it in such a boring way.

No, you were evil before...just nobody knew about it.