UNINVITED (1988)

So you got this cat and somehow these genetic scientists have messed with it to the point that it now has a monster living inside of it and whenever the cat is threaten or pissed off, the monster jumps out of the cat's mouth, whips everybody's ass and then crawls back into the cat. What the cat thinks about of this I don't know, but it doesn't seem too happy. Anyway, the cat escapes from the lab and after killing a few people, it ends up on a dock where a slut finds it and takes it aboard a yacht. The boat gets out on the ocean and promptly ends up way off course. Right about then the cat says "Meow, I've had enough of this shit, see!" starts biting every motherfucker it can get its paws on.  The End.

Also, for some odd reason, the back cover to the VHS gives away the entire movie!

SCHOOL'S OUT (1999)

A small group of teenagers break into a high school for some after hours shenanigans. The shenanigans never happen because a dork with large scissors starts stabbing everybody. Boring stuff happens and the Final Girl escapes, but within a few days she steals a gun off a cop and goes hunting for the person who killed her friends.  Yawn.

It’s difficult to have any feelings (positive or negative) about SCHOOL’S OUT because it’s such a nothing movie. The story is older than your grandpappy’s dick, the cast is so blah that nobody stood out, the lighting sucked, the setting sucked, the camerawork really sucked and the story! What the fuck? At multiple points, somebody had the killer in a position where they could easily kill him but didn’t. It was extremely frustrating. No gore, very little blood, zero nudity, overly complicated story…outside of looking for something to laugh at with friends I cannot see any reason why anybody would like this film. Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.

Part 2 - Dead Island: School's Out 2 (2001)

PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING (1981)

[Update 10/22/2018: I promise to fix this review one day. I have no idea when.]

Ahhhh yeah!!!! All of your favorite piranhas are back in town! You got Bitey, Nibbler, Toecutter, Copernicus Jr., Evil Professor Doomsmurf, Scooty Puff, Beaker, Sparkle, Fifthwheel, Brown Cloud, The Larry, Citizen Balls, Whisker Biscuit, Chompers, Three Bean Queef, After You Clean Your Diarrhea, Slappy, Menlo Schwartzer, Rumple Fforeskin, Lil' Orphan Funkhouser, Daniel Bean Boone, Gil Saint Geegland, Egbert Rumpus Bumpus, The Fucker, Stewmaster McPhatcock, Stinky Lomax, Chad Farthouse, Timothy Nazlerod, Gorilla Thunder Monkey, Inspector Underwear, Skidmark and introducing the new piranha: Sir-Flies-A-Little (With the Help of Wires)! Imagine how excited I was!!! So I crammed the disc in the trusty ol' Oppo and the first thing I noticed was how shitty the picture looks. The second thing I noticed was this movie sucks total balls!

The first movie was just ok (it had an awesome poster also), so you would have thought that I learned my lesson, but no I go into Part 2 thinking about how promising that poster looks and...it's crap.  Very little action, mostly shot in the dark and the shots of the wire-flying piranhas are so quick you can barely even see what's going on.  Very disappointing.

The only saving grace in this clusterfuck is it has an early performance by Lance Henriksen.  Skip it.

Original - Piranha (1978)
Remake - Piranha (1995)
Reboot 1 - Piranha 3D (2010)
Reboot sequel - Piranha 3DD (2012)