MOON (2009)

[Update 07/18/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

STEEL ARENA (1973)

[Update 08/24/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

I tried to get into this one, but I just couldn't. The idea of a hotshot moonshine runner becoming a daredevil is fantastic!  Too bad what you're imagining right now is better than what actually happened. There's only one moonshine running chase scene, then the daredevil outfit he hooks up with does a bunch of lame horseshit tricks like jumping a car into other cars or my favorite: driving one wheel up a ramp and then just tumbling over. Well, goddamn anybody could do that!

The acting is lame as hell and the budget was probably low as hell..I hope it was, cause it didn't show up onscreen! The only reason to watch this turd would be for the stunts, but they suck so you'd be better off spending 90 minutes looking up car jump/wreck videos on YouTube.

Director Mark L. Lester would go on to make the classics COMMANDO and CLASS OF 1999.

ILSA, THE TIGRESS OF SIBERIA (1977)

I remember back when I was a professional assassin I executed thousands, maybe millions, of people but never once did I fill a waterbed with gasoline and shoot a red hot dart into it. Come to think of it, I never converted an egg beater into a penis-grinder either. Goddamn it Ilsa, you win again!!!

ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS is, of course, the best of the Ilsa series and TIGRESS OF SIBERIA is my second favorite. The other two weren't as imaginative. This time around, the film opens at a Siberian prison camp in 1953. Ilsa is the boss and during the day she tortures/kills the prisoners in horrible ways (electrocution, ice water, man-eating tiger, chainsaw arm wrestling, head-crushing with huge hammer, etc.), then at night she had the guards fight over her and the two winners get to fuck her and her fat tits. The losers are then pretty much raped by the unattractive female guards.

When Stalin is killed, the guards burn the camp (with all the prisoners locked inside) and split. Jump forward to Canada in 1977 and Ilsa is running a whorehouse. The women are held captive with the thanks of Ilsa's brainwashing techniques. Then one day, a prisoner who escaped the Siberian torture camp alive walks in the door of Ilsa's whorehouse. Ilsa kidnaps him and starts torturing him again. With the help of her high-tech fear-monitoring computer she discovers that his biggest fear is having Ilsa bite his dick off...Yikes! You'll just have to see for yourself what happens next.

NSFW posters

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 2 - Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)
Part 4 - Wanda, the Wicked Warden (1977)

SIMON OF THE DESERT (1965)

[Update 07/17/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

SIMON OF THE DESERT is the last of Bunuel's so called 20 "Mexican films" and it's very loosely based of life of Simeon Stylites, who I think must have been a complete fucking nut cause he stood on top of a pillar for 39 years to impress God...bet he felt stupid when he died and nothing happened. Anyway, so in Bunuel's film we're introduced to Simon after he's been on the pillar for 6 years. He's developed quite a reputation, so naturally people come to him begging for miracles. One of the beggars is a man who has no hands. He pleads for mercy, Simon prays and presto the dude has hands which he promptly uses to slap his daughter.

Once alone and back to his meditation, Satan (Silvia Pinal) begins appearing in different forms (schoolgirl, Jesus, possessed monk, half-naked chick driving a coffin!!!) and tries to trick Simon into coming down. I won't tell you if he does or not, you'll just have to see for yourself.

The runtime for the movie is only 45 minutes, but it's wonderful. I've always heard that the reason for shortness was because they simply ran out of money, but in a video interview with star Silvia Pinal in the extras she mentions that Bunuel wanted to have the story told in three connecting short films by three directors (the two others being Federico Fellini and Jules Dassin), but it all fell through because of differences over casting. Now I'm not sure how much I believe that story, but it is interesting to fantasize about. Can you imagine how interesting that would have been?!

If the film itself wasn't enough of a reason to buy this DVD, there's also a great 56-minute documentary covering Bunuel's creative period in Mexico (1946- 1965) - even after he returned to making films in Europe he still lived in Mexico until his death in 1983. There were many jaw-droppingly awesome moments, but the two that really shocked me was the photographs Bunuel took while researching for LOS OLVIDADOS. Also, a video interview with Bunuel's widow where she said that Luis never talked to her about his movies! What the Hell?! That's completely insane!

In conclusion, yea it's short, but 1) it's Bunuel, so you have to buy it 2) it's a great film and 3) it's Criterion so until they eventually put out the Blu-Ray this is the best picture you're going to find of this minor masterpiece. Buy it.