PAIN & GAIN (2013)

Very loosely based on actual events that happened back in mid-90's Miami, PAIN & GAIN tells the story of three addle-minded bodybuilders (of which only one actually has a ripped body) who come up with an absurd plan to kidnap a local businessman and torture him until he signs over all of his wealth.  That part works, kinda, but since all three of these idiots are morons they quickly blow through all of the money on women, coke and material bullshit.

How much you like PAIN & GAIN will depend a lot on your sense of humor.  If you're a card carrying member of the No Fun Club then you'll probably dislike it, but if you're open-minded and look at it like it's a really dark comedy then I think you'll get a kick out it.  It's flashy, crude, violent and a fun watch.  My biggest surprise came from how much I enjoyed Dwayne Johnson.  Dude plays a Jesus lover, but once he gets his hands on a pile of cash his true colors come out and he's coked to the gills and drowning in pussy!  His performance stole the whole movie.

And yes I know it's not even close to being historically accurate, but I don't give a fuck.  It's Michael fucking Bay.  The same guy who shit, pissed, vomited, farted, jizzed and rubbed his boogers all over the FRIDAY THE 13TH, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE franchises for a quick buck, so what do you expect?

Super quick pace, ton of laughs, Dexter's apartment, Bar Paly looking hot as fook, The Rock looking big as fuck, Marky Mark looking all swole, lots of bright colors.  Check it out.

APRIL FOOL'S DAY (1986)

Nine entitled rich college students plan a party weekend at the secluded island estate of classmate Muffy St. John, but end up getting picked off one by one...off screen in completely bloodless ways.  On the ferry ride over there's an accident, due to some of the college pricks horseplaying, resulting in one of the workers getting his head all smashed up.  They feel bad for a few minutes, but then it's time to paar-tay...and by paar-tay I mean eat dinner and then go to bed.  The next day their host starts acting weird.  Then guests start disappearing and people begin to suspect it could be her or somehow the guy with the crack skull.  None of it makes much sense, but it doesn't matter cause the whole thing is so lightweight that I doubt could take this film seriously.  First off, the victims just disappear, so the audience doesn't even have a villain to be scared of.  Secondly, there's no violence! Minus some swearing and a few obscene gestures APRIL FOOL'S DAY could be shown almost unedited on network TV.

Zero gore, lame mystery, zero blood, fake looking decapitated heads, zero sex, cheesy acting, lame 80's sex humor.  The most interesting thing about the whole movie is the cast.  You got: Tom Wilson from BACK TO THE FUTURE, that dude who played the sleepy stripper dude in SUMMER SCHOOL and that blond chick from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2.  Also, that poster is badass!

On a side note I tried to watch the 2008 remake (if it actually is a remake), but I had to turn it off after like 10 minutes cause it was fucking terrible.  Made my Oppo smell like dung beetle pussy!