THE CONJURING (2013)

Written by the twins from RAD (yes, including the one that grabbed his own ass while dancing), THE CONJURING tells the story of a family - husband, wife, five daughters - who move into a old house out in the country...a haunted house.  The normal stuff happens at first (creaking doors, cold chills, rancid meat smells, pictures falling off the walls, etc.), but when the hauntings become more violent, the parents bring in a husband and wife team of paranormal investigators.  The standard haunted house exorcism movie stuff follows.

Despite the the fact that the story is totally 100% unoriginal, I actually enjoyed THE CONJURING mainly thanks to the leadership of director James Wan who, as you can see in the extras, really turns this average story into a thoroughly entertaining film.  Good pace, mature scares (none of that annoying 4,000 decibel jump scene bullshit), excellent production values, impressive cast (I really enjoyed Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson), strong camerawork and some seriously creepy situations.

THE CONJURING is a good film, but in my personal opinion I really wish the tension would have just kept building and building until it finally exploded into a grand finale of pure unrelenting blasphemy, gore and violence beating the audiences brains to death.  But that's just me.  As it is, it's still a fun, light-weight haunted house movie.  I'm looking forward to seeing what else this series brings.

Part 2 - The Conjuring 2 (2016)
Part 3 - The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)
Annabelle spin-off 1 - Annabelle (2014)
Annabelle spin-off 2 - Annabelle: Creation (2017)
Annabelle spin-off 3 - Annabelle Comes Home (2019)
The Nun spin-off (2018)
The Nun II (2023)

YAKUZA APOCALYPSE (2015)

If somebody were to tell me "The script for YAKUZA APOCALYPSE was based off the mad ramblings of a mentally disabled 5-year-old child."  I'd probably believe it because this movie is absolutely ridiculous!  The story, if it even matters, is about the boss of a small yakuza gang.  He's also a vampire.  One day, some vampire hunters(?) kill him and rip his head off. His second-in-charge takes over the gang.  Things get out of control and soon the entire neighborhood is turned into vampires.  That's like the first 70 minutes of the movie and it's pretty boring.  I was actually starting to fall asleep when suddenly some dude in a large green frog costume strolls into town and starts beating the shit out of everybody!!!  Men, women, children...everybody.  It was hilarious.  I was giggling like a little kid with a mental disability.  Then the frog-costumed asskicker went away and I was bored (and sad) again.  The End.

If the filmmakers had any sense they would have just dropped the vampire story and made the entire film about the green frog-costume dude.  Or at least livened up the vampire part a bit, because the frog dude is by far the best part of the movie.  The vampire stuff was super boring.  Slow story with a epic 20-minute section towards the end, average acting, lame final fight scene, Mio Yuki in a school girl outfit, by-the-numbers direction by Takashi Miike (who is capable of so much better), disappointing ending.

Worth watching just for the frog costume guy alone.