SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (2017)

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING is an awesome movie. I’ve always enjoyed the occasional Marvel Cinematic Universe movies that have passed in front of my incredibly handsome eyeballs, but it wasn’t until HOMECOMING that I actually connected emotionally with the characters and story to the point that I have now gone back and caught up with all of the MCU stuff.

In this (the 16th) installment of the MCU, we have a high school dude by the name of Peter “Penis” Parker who is a small-time superhero. Just you’re friendly neighborhood Spider-Man who uses his spider powers and badass superhero suit (provided to him by Tony Stark) to do stuff like stopping a guy from stealing a bicycle and give directions to an old lady. He’s also on the academic decathlon team and likes to hang out with his best friend, Ned. It’s totally awesome and, honestly, the entire movie could have just been about him getting cats out of trees and assembling a Lego Death Star with Ned and I would have been in movie heaven. But, a movie about Spider-Man playing board games with his buddy for two hours would have made about $666 at the box office, so…one evening while on patrol Spider-Man notices a small gang of criminals robbing an ATM with some badass gear made from the alien tech left over from the Battle of New York (in a previous MCU movie). Shit happens and next thing you know, there’s a dude in a high-tech vulture suit kicking Penis Parker’s pecker and spider balls up around his spider ears. It’s awesome. The entire movie is awesome! I’ve seen it like 30 times and I hope to watch it 30 more times before my handsome and chiseled buns shuffle off to that great gay bar in the sky. Twerking, line dancing, voguing, purple lasers and smoke everywhere. It’ll be **** tight, like a Bon Jovi concert.

The Infinity Saga

Phase One
Part 1 - Iron Man (2008)
Part 2 - The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Part 3 - Iron Man 2 (2010)
Part 4 - Thor (2011)
Part 5 - Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Part 6 - Marvel's The Avengers (2012)

Phase Two
Part 7 - Iron Man 3 (2013)
Part 8 - Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Part 9 - Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
Part 10 - Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Part 11 - Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Part 12 - Ant-Man (2015)

Phase Three
Part 13 - Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Part 14 - Doctor Strange (2016)
Part 15 - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
Part 17 - Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Part 18 - Black Panther (2018)
Part 19 - Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
Part 20 - Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
Part 21 - Captain Marvel (2019)
Part 22 - Avengers: Endgame (2019)
Part 23 - Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)

Phase Four
Part 24 - Black Widow (2021)
Part 25 - Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Part 26 - Eternals (2021)
Part 24 - Black Widow (2021)
Part 25 - Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Part 26 - Eternals (2021)
Part 27 - Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Part 28 - Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
Part 29 - Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
Part 30 - Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

Phase Five
Part 31 - Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023)
Part 32 - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)
Part 33 - The Marvels (2023)

JESSE STONE: NO REMORSE (2010)

I’m so dead that they’re going to have to bury me twice. I waited over 10 years to watch the next installment of the Jesse Stone series and I wish I had waited 10 more. Hell, a hundred more! Baby buttfucking Jesus, is this a slow movie.

The film starts in Boston with some dude in a parking garage getting shot in the back of the noodle. At the same time, still-suspended small town police chief Tom Selleck is busy turning down women who want to jump his bones and dealing with a new phone he recently bought. Soon there is a second identical murder and the Boston Police call in Tom Selleck for help. Stuff happens and he gets coffee at a gay bar. The End.

It’s strange, I love the old Magnum, P.I. TV series and can watch it over and over and over. Especially episodes with Higgins, but goddamn this Jesse Stone series is straight-up murdering me! I actually have quite a bit to say about the movie, but I’m so depressed and in so much pain right now that I just wanna publish this turkey and go to bed.

Part 1 - Stone Cold (2005)
Part 2 - Jesse Stone: Night Passage (2006)
Part 3 - Jesse Stone: Death in Paradise (2006)
Part 4 - Jesse Stone: Sea Change (2007)
Part 5 - Jesse Stone: Thin Ice (2009)
Part 7 - Jesse Stone: Innocents Lost (2011)
Part 8 - Jesse Stone: Benefit of the Doubt (2012)
Part 9 - Jesse Stone: Lost in Paradise (2015)

COMPUTERCIDE (1982)

The 1996 of DEMOLITION MAN might have been a crime-filled shithole, but, in COMPUTERCIDE, 1996 is a crime-free paradise filled with weird, funky cars. And since all crimes are solved by computers there is very little use for private detectives. Enter our hero: starving private detective Michael Stringer. While finishing up a missing dog case, he’s contacted by a woman, Lisa, to investigate the death of her father. The computers didn’t find any foul play, but she suspects something is amiss since the dead version of her father is 20 years younger than her real father! Now they must go undercover (as a couple) to the cult-like housing community where her dad lived.

For a lower-budget film made in 1977 and not released until 1982, COMPUTERCIDE is okay. I was able to get through it easy enough. Still, it was rough around the edges and the script didn’t have enough going for it to keep the incredibly handsome viewer engaged. Lackluster acting, bland sets, bland clothing, bland colours, below average pace, unfunny humor, music that didn’t match the scenes, better cast than the script deserves. The title shown on the version I watched for this review called the film FINAL EYE, but all of the television listings I found for August 1, 1982 listed the movie as COMPUTERCIDE. One journalist even suggested that NBC only aired “…this unsold pilot dating back to 1977.” because ABC was airing ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE during the same time slot. I personally like the title COMPUTERCIDE much better and foolishly thought this movie was going to be about either an evil computer killing people in a high-rise skyscraper, a murderous electronic kid’s toy or maybe even somehow an evil computer dating service!

As it is though, COMPUTERCIDE is an interesting television novelty that nerds like myself would find interesting. Everybody else would probably be bored to sleep within 15 minutes.