INTO THE ABYSS (2022)

Aliens have landed and things have turned to crap.  Lone survivor Bannon wanders aimlessly around a large city.  Rain falls and massive slow-moving crab-like monsters can been seen walking in the darkened skyline.  Down at the street level, there are human-sized creatures picking through the rubble looking for survivors.  I don’t think it ever says what Bannon did before the fall of humanity, but since he’s an idiot and completely clueless about pretty much everything, I can only guess that he was in middle management.  How this doofus lived this long is a mystery, cause when we’re introduced to him he’s bumbling around alleys and empty buildings making so much racket that you would think he was trying to get discovered.  After many minutes of this nap-inducing excitement Bannon finds a walkie-talkie.  Somehow forgetting that 100% of humanity is populated by lying, backstabbing monsters he calls out for help.  I’m sure that will turn out well for him.

The artwork on the DVD cover for INTO THE ABYSS is dope as fuck.  Unfortunately, the film doesn’t even deliver 0.666% of the awesomeness promised by that artwork.  Slow pace, boring smaller monsters that never brought a ruckus, zero interaction at all with the larger creatures, lots of dark scenes, disappointing ending, very little action, lots of talking, lots of bad decisions, zero gore, a few surreal touches (he backwards running man, the crusty-looking shaman dude in the woods) that I did enjoy.  It’s easy to see that director Matías Xavier Rispau has talent, he just needs to find a better script.

INTO THE ABYSS is watchable, but the 104 minutes you would spend watching this film would be better spent watching the first few episodes of the 2019 series “War of the Worlds” or playing Generation Zero (solo on Guerrilla difficulty) or reading Robert McCammon’s “The Border”.

THE JACK IN THE BOX RISES (2024)

The last time we saw our old buddy Jack in the Box, at the end of Part 2, he was scampering around a secluded country estate with an old zombie woman.  I guess that didn’t turn out too well because now the estate has been converted into an exclusive girls’ school and Jack is locked away (yet again) in his box.  Boring shit happens and eventually Jack is released to perform the same ol’ boring routine of having his head drooped down, then slowly rise as he impersonates a drowning velociraptor before killing the frozen-in-fear victim in different boring ways.  So, in other words: it’s the same ol’ shit as the last two films.  I like the Jack in the Box story and despite all three of the films in this series being lame, I really do think there is a lot of potential for the Jack in the Box character.  I just wish he would break out of his shell and do something cool for once.  Come on, Jack!  We all got faith in you!

Dim lighting, uninspired kills, the same (underused) location as the last film, overly complicated story, zero nudity, zero gore, low amount of violence, barely passable acting, average pace, weak direction, muted colours, poor casting, disappointing ending, below average camerawork, zero cheerleaders.

Honestly, THE JACK IN THE BOX RISES is a 5/10 at best, but yet, I still like this series.  I can see the potential of the idea…that hasn’t yet made it to the screen.  Maybe one day.  Hell, I'd be happy with a hateful and sick The Jack in the Box novel.

Part 1 – The Jack in the Box (2019)
Part 2 – The Jack in the Box: Awakening (2022)

A MAN CALLED HORSE (1970)

Not to be confused with A Man Called Horse Pussy, A MAN CALLED HORSE is the unattractively filmed and surprisingly boring story of a dude who, way back in the day, is captured by Native American Indians.  You would think that that would be a bad thing and he'd be slowly tortured to death, but nope, this dude ends up having a better life than I do!  I’m over here so depressed that suicide won’t even cure my grief and this dude's walking around enjoying the daylight, playing a flute, leisurely picking berries as he flirts with a girl who lives in his tribe, hanging out with puppy dogs and riding a horse.  I say “his tribe” because his captors almost immediately take him in as one of their own and he’s given complete freedom to walk around and do whatever he wants.  Seems like a pretty chill life.  He even gets to work out his frustrations by occasionally killing members of other tribes.  Also, the “electrifying ritual” promised in the poster is completely voluntary!

Promising story idea that ends up being lame, zero tension, disappointing ending, slow pace, a few quick snippets of poorly shot nudity, boring action scenes, okay acting.  I wanted to like A MAN CALLED HORSE, but it ended up being a disappointment.  Watch it if you want, what the fuck do I care.

Part 2 - The Return of a Man Called Horse (1976)
Part 3 - Triumphs of a Man Called Horse (1983)