PREDATORS (2010)

Twenty years from now people will still be talking about how badass the original PREDATOR was. Twenty weeks from now nobody will remember PREDATORS was even made.

Eight dangerous people from Earth are kidnapped and dropped off in a huge rain forest planet where three Predators hunt them. The End. That's about it. Whatever you're imagining happened during the hunt is probably better than what actually happened. And I'm completely serious about that too because I've read fan fiction online that had a better story than this film.  The first 30 minutes or so were interesting, with the people getting to know each other and feeling out the situation (along with the audience doing the same), but then everything started dragged down slower and slower and characters started dying...until all we're left with is a couple of dull, unlikable bores rolling around in the mud.  Even the Predators are somehow lifeless and not even scary.

I had high hopes for this movie, since I love the original so much, but after awhile I found myself just daydreaming and bored.  By the end the entire thing is so soulless and bland that I couldn't bring myself to give a shit about any of it.

I also found all the little winks to the original film (minigun, "ugly motherfucker", Little Richard song) to be distracting and irritating. How about skip trying to be clever and shoehorn in all of that junk and instead concentrate on making a movie with some actual tension?  Adding depth to the characters, so the audience might actually give a fuck if they die or not, would have been nice also.

Overall, PREDATORS would have be better if it was just a stand alone film not even connected to the Predator Universe at all.  Watchable, but lifeless.

Part 1 – Predator (1987)
Part 2 – Predator 2 (1990)
Part 4 – The Predator (2018)
Prequel - Prey (2022)
Alien crossover 1 - Alien vs. Predator (2004)
Alien crossover 2 - Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

SPLICE (2009)

I don't even know where to begin with this one. After sitting through this genetically mutated turkey twice just to make sure I didn't miss something the first time, I've come to the conclusion that I straight up don't give a fuck about this movie. At all.

Ultra cool and hip genetic scientists Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley are butthurt when the pharmaceutical giant they work for orders them to move the direction of their work (from animal DNA splicing to drug creation), so they simply say fuck that and go off in an even crazier direction: splicing human and animal DNA.  Naturally, that works out perfectly and they create world peace and cure terminal butt cancer.  Dogs and cats living together.  Hell no.  Instead, things instantly go to shit when they create a freaky Chicken McNugget-looking creature that Adrien Brody soon has sex with.  The End.

Other stuff happens, but none of it's important. I probably missed something due to my increasingly loud yawning. Watch it, if you want, I don't give a shit. Just don't blame me when you fall asleep, then fall off the sofa and dislocate all yo shit.