TWILIGHT (2008)

Well, call me a nerd if you want, but I really enjoyed this movie. I don't know anything about the "Twilight" story. I've never read the books or even knew what the story was about until I watched this movie a few minutes ago and...it was awesome!!! Then again, I love the early seasons of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and I'm a romantic motherfucker, so it's probably not a big surprise that I dug this story.

Sexy teenager Bella is the product of a broken home. Her mother has a new boyfriend, so Bella goes to live with a father. He lives way up Northwest somewhere, where it's rainy and dreary all the time. One day, in the lunchroom of her new high school, she sees this cute beau hunk motherfucker named Edward. He's mysterious and Bella is instantly obsessed with this dude and he with her. Wait till she finds out he's a vampire!

All kinda of interesting stuff happens including them hooking up and him explaining how he's different than other vampires and him even having to kick some other vampire ass. It's a lot of fun and that's all that really matters. I have no desire to ever see it again though. One time was enough...alright maybe ten more times.

Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 3 - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

THE CITY OF VIOLENCE (2006)

A police detective returns to his hometown to attend the funeral of a childhood friend. While there he senses that something isn't right and with just a little bit of detective work he discovers that indeed there is some wrong shit going on. Now it's up to him and another childhood friend to kick a couple of hundred dude's asses at a local restaurant. Sadly it over an hour into the movie before the badass fight scene happens.

The final fight scene is impressive, but by that time my brain had checked out completely and I really didn't give a f what happened or who won I just wanted something to happen to wake me up!

If this comes on TV then it'd be worth watching, I guess, but I wouldn't go out of my way to find it or even waste a rental to see it. Skip it: there is absolutely nothing in this movie you haven't already seen elsewhere.

That dude in the black lands on his face!

SEEDPEOPLE (1992)

Mixing 90% INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, 15% CRITTERS 2, 12% "The Tommyknockers" and 4% "The Colour Out of Space", SEEDPEOPLE is the interesting at first and then boring for a long time story about a small secluded town that is suddenly taken over by seeds from outer space that's turning the locals into some sort of alien creatures.

Slow pace, poor writing, way too much talking, poor special effects, lame music, average acting, below average photography.  It's pretty goddamn shitty, but there are a few snappy lines thrown in. My favorites: "What in the ding-dong-heck-a-ma doodle-hell is going on here?", "That stuff's stronger than five tons of monkey piss!" and "Plants are the most cunning and savage of all life forms!"

If you are extremely bored it's worth a watch, but don't expect too much.

ZOMBABIES (2008)

I don't know if this was a student film or what, but 9 minutes is the perfect length for it. Actually 5 would have been better. Maybe 2 1/2. Shot entirely on makeshift props and green screen, an annoying yenta is 5 hours late for her daycare job looking after babies. She promptly plants all the children in front of a television and then retires to the kitchen to smoke some weed. She calls the guy she one night standed the night before to ask his name and to see if he's interested in coming over for some pussy. While he's on his way over the babies turn into zombies by means of a television/cell phone spread virus and they attack him as soon as he walks in the door. The yenta walks in, rips the head off of one baby then uses another to break the glass on the emergency chainsaw (hardy-har-har). She then kills some of the babies with the chainsaw. The End. If this was a YouTube video I would have never even finished it, but since it came all professional looking in a fancy DVD case I was fooled into thinking this was a full-length movie and even paid $2.75 to rent it. Baby buttfucking Jesus, I got ripped off!!!! I cannot think of any reason whatsoever to watch this movie. Skip it with a vengeance.

Where did the case go?

The emergency chainsaw case is not on the wall.

GOTH (2008)

Two high school students (a girl and a boy) become obsessed with a local serial killer. And…that’s about it. The End.

I love movies about serial killers, and I love movies about high schoolers, so a movie about high schoolers stalking a serial killer should have been right up my alley, but GOTH was too slow to keep me interested. Plus, there was zero payoff at the end. It just kinda fizzles out.

I’m sure there’s more to say, but I’ve watched this film like 3 times now and it always just ends up boring me to tears. Skip it.