CATACOMBS (1988)

Oh my god what a boring movie!  Four-hundred years ago an ugly dude with demonic powers is boringly sealed into a room in the basement of a monastery.  Fast-forward to the present day and a female teacher comes to visit the monastery.  At the same time the demon dude breaks free of his tomb and...does pretty much nothing.  No bullshit at least 95% of this movie is just people talking and walking around.  There are a few murders, but they're so boring they wouldn't startle the weakest of horror fans.  I've seen more brutal murders on reruns of "Remington Steele"!

Zero excitement, zero gore, zero nudity, slow as molasses pace that had me yawning nonstop.  Can you imagine the anger and disappointment this turd must have created when it came out on video back in the day and some poor teenager went through all kinds of hoops to secretly watch it only to be rewarded with 84 minutes of talking?!

Skip it.  There is absolutely no reason that this movie should come within 500 yards of your TV.

THE GAUNTLET (1977)

The story is about as simple as it can get: a honest Phoenix cop (Clint Eastwood) is sent to transport a prisoner (Sondra Locke) from Las Vegas back to Phoenix.  Along the way every cop and mafia hood in the state tries to kill them by shooting tens of thousands of bullets at them. The End.

I would love to know more about the development of this story, not physical making of the movie, just the writing of the story itself cause there's nothing to it.  The entire film is Eastwood/Locke traveling from place to place getting shot at by people who can't hit shit!  There were times (the helicopter scene) when the bad guy had a clear (and I mean fucking clear) shot and totally missed it.  There was a reasonable amount of action, but since the bad guys were so inept I never once thought that Eastwood was in any real danger.

Topless Sondra Locke, ridiculous amount of bullets fired, average pace, really nice poster artwork, mildly boring action scenes, good supporting cast: Bill McKinney, Roy Jensen, Pat Hingle, William Prince.  The films starts out interesting, but the story is beyond belief.  Worth a watch for Eastwood fans, but the whole thing is kinda silly.

PAIN & GAIN (2013)

Very loosely based on actual events that happened back in mid-90's Miami, PAIN & GAIN tells the story of three addle-minded bodybuilders (of which only one actually has a ripped body) who come up with an absurd plan to kidnap a local businessman and torture him until he signs over all of his wealth.  That part works, kinda, but since all three of these idiots are morons they quickly blow through all of the money on women, coke and material bullshit.

How much you like PAIN & GAIN will depend a lot on your sense of humor.  If you're a card carrying member of the No Fun Club then you'll probably dislike it, but if you're open-minded and look at it like it's a really dark comedy then I think you'll get a kick out it.  It's flashy, crude, violent and a fun watch.  My biggest surprise came from how much I enjoyed Dwayne Johnson.  Dude plays a Jesus lover, but once he gets his hands on a pile of cash his true colors come out and he's coked to the gills and drowning in pussy!  His performance stole the whole movie.

And yes I know it's not even close to being historically accurate, but I don't give a fuck.  It's Michael fucking Bay.  The same guy who shit, pissed, vomited, farted, jizzed and rubbed his boogers all over the FRIDAY THE 13TH, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE franchises for a quick buck, so what do you expect?

Super quick pace, ton of laughs, Dexter's apartment, Bar Paly looking hot as fook, The Rock looking big as fuck, Marky Mark looking all swole, lots of bright colors.  Check it out.