Wednesday, June 8, 2011

HALLOWEEN II (2009)

Michael's back. The endless string of fuck's are back. The 70's rock is back. The close-ups are back and this time they brought along a friend: really bright lights shining into smoke.

The story is pretty simple. Laurie is still alive and now living with sexy Danielle Harris and her father Sheriff Brad Dourif. Laurie also has some new friends that are exactly as annoying as her old friends. Michael is still alive and I guess for the last two years he's just been walking around working on growing a powerbeard. He's also been building his lower body strength as evidenced when he picks up a fucking car! WTF?

Anyway, the beginning of the movie is actually almost alright with the stabbing and action and blood. Then during the middle it starts to slow down with lots of talking and the world's shittiest party band. And the ending...holy shit. Zombie just takes a gigantic undead shit all over the viewer with the slow motion, the unemotional emotional horseshit, the full length music video (I'm not joking), the silent moments and Michael talking! Fuck that shit! Michael doesn't need to talk ever!!!

Another thing that really burned my biscuits was making the Dr. Loomis character into an asshole. That's goddamn blasphemy and I bet Donald Pleasence was fucking spinning in his grave. That's what they should do! Make a movie where Donald Pleasence is so pissed off over the shitty HALLOWEEN remakes that he comes back from the dead and starts chasing Rob Zombie around, except that Rob can't run very fast because his giant boots and bracelets and designer jeans keep getting caught up on shit.

Fair amount of blood, overstylized everything, tons of cussing, nice body count, mostly boring kills, a few boring tits, horrible Halloween party and distracting cameos including "Weird Al" Yankovic! Great, now I'm daydreaming about Spatula City when I'm suppose to be watching Michael.

Not a terrible watch, but you'd be better off watching FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III again instead. Now that's what a slasher is suppose to be!

Part 1 - Halloween
Part 2 - Halloween II
Part 3 - Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Part 4 - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
Part 5 - Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
Part 6 - Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers
Part 7 - Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
Part 8 - Halloween: Resurrection
Remake 1 - Halloween