Monday, May 30, 2011

HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (2002)

What the fuck did Michael Myers ever do to deserve this?! For over two decades he's been entertaining us with killings and stabbings and what thanks does he get? He get's his already tarnish (after Parts 5, 6 and 7) legacy completely shit on by a bunch of talentless assholes!

The film opens with Laurie now living in an insane asylum. Naturally, Michael comes to visit and it's so horrible that I honestly thought that Laurie was going to wake up and it would just a shitty dream sequence, but no the nightmare was real and it just keeps getting worse.  I have zero idea how they got Jamie Lee Curtis to sign up for this shitfest. 

By this point I was busy fighting off the urge to smear my own feces the TV, but I persevered and soon I regretting not smearing shit on the TV, because we're introduced to some ultra-annoying college students who have been chosen to star in a reality program being filmed at the original Michael Myers house. Cameras have been set up all over the house and each douchebag has been fitted with their own personal Douche Cam clamped to their annoying heads. People walk around and talk and talk and Mike appears and starts killing people. Just when you think it can't get any shittier some annoying teenagers at a party start watching all of the action live on the internet and one dork, who actually knows the main girl, starts sending her text messages telling her Michael's location!!! Give me a break!

Worst of all the kills are shit and Michael once again looks like he's trying out for Slipknot. Everything about this movie is terrible beyond your wildest nightmares and Michael is blasphemed nonstop. The only sliver of nonshittiness was when the cute red-head got topless for about two seconds. That was awesome, but the entire remaining 89 minutes was rubbish. Fuck this movie.

Part 1 - Halloween
Part 2 - Halloween II
Part 3 - Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Part 4 - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
Part 5 - Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
Part 6 - Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers
Part 7 - Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
Remake 1 - Halloween
Remake 2 - Halloween II