Tuesday, May 19, 2015

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)

When will the pain end?  Like a fool I thought it'd be fun to review all of the James Bond films, but each one is just as convoluted and silly as the last one.  At least this time around they got rid of that lifeless dork and brought back Sean Connery.

The story, as far as I can tell, is about this mega-villain dude who devises a highly elaborate and highly dangerous plan to horde all the diamonds in the world in order to make a laser satellite.  What??!  That doesn't even make sense!  My head hurts.  So now it's up to Bond to travel around beating up women, stealing cassette tapes and driving a moon buggy across the desert in order to stop this guy.  It's beyond ridiculous.  Even worse than the brain dead story is the multiple times that Bond is completely incapacitated and nobody kills him!  On at least two occasions the bad guys knock Bond out cold then transport his body somewhere to be killed, then once at the location, they set the death device in action and walk away!  "Well, I did all I could do.  Yeah, I could stab him or simply stand here for another 45 seconds, but I gotta get home to watch Marcus Welby, MD.  See ya!!!"

Vintage Las Vegas scenery, mysterious scuba guys on the poster that don't even show up in the movie, multiple female nipples, cheap looking car chases, weak writing, a Sid Haig sighting, cleavage, Bruce Glover hamming it up, a oil rig shootout complete with helicopters. 

One thunderball out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 13 - Octopussy (1983)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - License to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)