BORDERLAND (2008)

Foolishly I had hopes that BORDERLAND would at least be entertaining, but it wasn't. Right from the beginning I was annoyed with the weird overexposure effect that made it look like the entire movie was filmed in the glow of a nuclear explosion. Then comes the douche bag college douchers who I wanted to murder instantly. These annoying sacks of shit go down to Mexico for a drug-fueled night of whoring when they get caught up with a gang of drug dealing toughies who want to kill them as a sacrifice to the spirit gods. Good! Kill 'em.

This movie is an insult to the horror genre. Any potential this film had was blown by the weak special effects, the by-the-numbers script, the laughable fake tattoos and the shit direction. It's nowhere near mean-spirited enough to be scary. They did do good by casting a hot chick in a supporting role, but she never even got close to naked or even topless.

GHOST IN THE TEENY BIKINI (2006)

GHOST IN THE TEENY BIKINI is about as erotic as snapping a mousetrap down on your ping-ding. When I saw that name GHOST IN A TEENY BIKINI I couldn't help but think all kinds of cool things, but GIATB didn't live up to any of them. It's just another standard softcore skin flick: low production values, horrible "script" filled with lame jokes, home movie quality acting, painful musical numbers (yes, there were three fucking songs! Barf!) and worst of all only one of the five females that get naked, you would actually want to see naked: Christine Nguyen. Mmmm. She’s hot, but unless you're really goddamn desperate to bust a nut then she still it doesn't make this stinker worth watching.

For anybody who's keeping count there were five straight scenes and one lesbian scene. All snoozers and apparently directed by somebody with the sex drive of a wet carrot. Skip this turkey and never look back.

ILSA, HAREM KEEPER OF THE OIL SHEIKS (1976)

Well, it didn't take long for the ILSA series to shit the bed. This follow-up to the classic SHE-WOLF OF THE SS finds Ilsa in an parallel universe where she is now living in the Middle East as the assistant to a ruthless oil sheik who likes to kidnap "attractive" females from all over the world and have his way with them.

The over-the-top craziness and campiness of the SHE WOLF is gone. Instead it looks like they were just trying to make a quick cash in on the popularity of the first film. In the opening scene, a helicopter drops off some crates holding three new additions to the sheik's harem. They are quickly explained the rules and then taught the art of licking and massage. At the same time, the sheik is auctioning off some of his older, worn out slaves while at the same time entertaining some American dignitaries (one is even tricked into eating a human eyeball). This one American dude must have a Merlin cock or something because he instantly seduces Ilsa and causes all kinds of trouble in the once peaceful household.

The script for SHE WOLF was actually good, whereas this one is just boring. The story just seemed like a bunch of scenes slapped together with no real continuity. It would have been better if the story had concentrated on one new slave girl and told her story for the entire movie instead of jumping around all over the joint.

If you're really bored then it's good for a one time watch.

NSFW screenshots.

Part 1 - Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
Part 3 - Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia (1977)
Part 4 - Wanda, the Wicked Warden (1977)