TERRORVISION (1986)

"This dude's into metal!"

Before Tim Burton made it big and long before Adult Swim there was TERRORVISION, the almost live action cartoon story of two married swingers who just want is a nice quiet evening of fucking strangers. But noooo! That's can't happen cause their son Sherman wants to watch monster movies, Grandpa is going on about End of Days survivalist bullshit, new waver daughter Suzy has brought over her metalhead boyfriend O.D. (played by King Vidiot himself!!!) and to top it all off a flesh-eating mutated dog creature from outer space has invaded their house through the new satellite dish! Now the orgy guest are getting eaten and everybody's knocking on the door! The TV repair guy, the cops, even the late night horror host with big tits and a Medusa wig. It's insanity! Pure 80's insanity.

I have no idea if this movie made any money or if anybody else besides me even likes it, but it's wildly imaginative, very well made and deserves to be better known than it is. I love every minute of it. TERRORVISION stands strong alongside other classic silly comedies of the 80's like SURF II or JOYSTICKS. Don't be totally rude, check it out!

ECLIPSE (2010)

They can't make these fast enough for me. In fact, I wish they'd quit releasing these little two hour teasers and just release a 40+ hour epic. I'd be in Heaven.

A gang of bloodthirsty "newborn" vampires are out to kill Bella. But that's not what we're concerned about, ohhh no. I want to know if that dogbutt sniffing Jacob has gotten the hint and fucked off yet?! The answer: hell no! That douchey, cockblocking, Beta bitch asshole is still around and just as cockblocky as ever.  Can't he find his own goddamn woman?

A few other things I noticed: I'm really digging Alice. I'd be just as happy as could be if the camera followed Alice around for a few hours. I think she's really cute, has a interesting personality and her psychic powers are cool. Also, I don't read the books, so I don't know what happens to Bella's dad, but I'm hoping that he accidentally gets turned into a vampire and he keeps his job as Sheriff and then gets his own spinoff series where it's like "Twin Peaks" meets "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" and he has to solve mysterious and fight weird monsters while coming to grips with the fact that he's now a vampire. To complicate matters even more, women are suddenly more attracted to him, but he's only interested in true love.

ECLIPSE progresses the story along nicely, but like I said, it just wasn't long enough. I want more goddamn it! It leaves you with some teaser stuff about the Volturi and the wedding and Bella finally becoming a goddamn vampire. Agggggghhhhh, now I'm going to have to wait another year to find out what happens.  This is vampire batshit!!!

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 2 - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)