RINKO EIGHTEEN (2009)

[Update 03/21/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

"You need to ejaculate into the anal?"

Eighteen year-old girl, Rinko, has rich parents and goes to a great school and plans to be a doctor. Her life is very pampered and wonderful. Then one day her father is busted for illegal business dealings and her mother runs off with her lover. This leaves Rinko instantly homeless. Things are looking pretty grim, but then she's taken in by a small porno company as an assistant and even allowed to sleep on the couch and use the company's wardrobe of slutty outfits as her own clothes.

With a story like that you'd expect this just to be a cheap softcore porno, but it's not. For whatever reason, this movie was really sweet and touching and genuinely funny. My only real complaint would be that it wasn't long enough! When Rinko starts her job she's very naive and knows absolutely nothing about the real world. She can't even ride a bicycle! But thanks to some tough love, patience and hard work Rinko becomes a valuable asset to the company.

It's honestly ridiculous why this movie is as good as it is. The budget looks be pretty much nothing and the story is crazy, but somehow thanks to a clever script, some really spirited performances (especially by the main actress) and a lot of talent behind the camera this movie works and I really enjoyed it. I hope they make a sequel!

One complaint I do have outside of the movie is the subtitles on the DVD are fucking horrible! Some of the worst I've ever seen, but I guess the fact that I still liked the movie just goes to show how good it really was. There's also a surprisingly small amount of nudity, but don't let that scare you off. Check it out, it honestly is a sweet movie.

FULL CONTACT (1992)

Chow Yun-fat is a bad guy who, in order to help his friend (Anthony Wong) get out of a debt to a ruthless loan shark, agrees to take part in the hijacking of an arms shipment. They steal the weapons, but then as they are about to make their getaway Wong's cousin attacks Chow and leaves him for dead...but he's not fucking dead, so a few years later he returns to enact his revenge.

FULL CONTACT is a fun 90's HK actioner filled with fog and smoke and strange clothing and lighting reminiscent of a music video. It might not be as stylized as the John Woo films of the same era, but director Ringo Lam more than makes up for it with tons of gritty action. It's pretty much nonstop! I loved the bad guy and his gang. He's supergay and violent as fuck and his gang was made up solely of psychopaths! Instead of going in a bar and simply kidnapping a guy, they go in, talk shit, beat up everybody, shoot anybody who makes a sound, fire off probably 500 bullets, toss a hand grenade in when they leave (it's still full of innocent people!) then drive off while laughing like maniacs.

On top of the action you have Chow Yun-fat, Simon Yam and Anthony Wong all in the same movie. That's fucking awesome and worth watching just for that. Tons of great action scenes, zero nudity, bullets flying all over the place, very bizarre dance moves, bullet cam, rain dripping off a knife, a really cute dog, explosions and a vomiting crab. Check it out.

BLOOD RAIN (2006)

[Update 02/28/2021: need to redo this entire review and fix the screenshots.]

Interesting murder mystery set back a few hundred years ago on a small Korean island. The only thing on the island is a paper mill, but when a mysterious fire breaks out and a dude is found impaled an investigator from the mainland is sent in to solve the mystery. He soon discovers that 7 years earlier the wealthy owner of the paper mill was falsely accused of a crime and his entire family executed in different horrible ways. The new string of murders are copying those same deaths.

Good film, but it's 20 minutes too long. Also, the murders just weren't as kickass as I had hoped. Zero nudity, very little blood, zero suspense, nice sets, great looking costumes, good but not very spirited acting and the slow pace kinda made me sleepy. I can't recommend it. The story is strong enough that I would actually like to see a remake of this, just by a better director with a more streamlined script.

If you need me, I'll be in my room reading Robert McCammon's "Speaks the Nightbird".

THE SWITCH (2010)

Jennifer Aniston feels her biological clock ticking, so she decides to put some jizz in a turkey baster and cram it up her twat (I think that was the original tagline for the poster). Problem is, whose sperm is she going to choose? Secretly (maybe even to herself?), she wants to hook up with her best friend, Jason Bateman, but for whatever reason that's just never happened. So she ends up picking some handsome athletic beau hunk, but then at the "insemination party" Jason gets so shitfaced drunk that he accidentally replaces the jizz in the bottle with his own spooge.  Now that's fuckin' drunk!  Soon after, she gets pregnant and Jennifer conveniently moves out of the state for seven years then returns with a little, bitty version of Jason, except nobody knows it. To compound matters even more Jennifer starts a relationship with the dude who donated the sperm.

THE SWITCH could have gone on the crude-comedy-with-a heart-of-gold route like THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, but instead it goes the safe route.  The baster scene is nonexistent, the relationship between Jason and Jennifer is never really strained, the relationship between Jennifer and the sperm donor dude is never that strong, the sperm donor dude is too nice and never dis-likeable...everything is just too perfect.

I enjoyed the movie, but didn't grab me.  The script was too weak. It needed more stress and turmoil before the inevitable happy ending.

HIGH LANE (2009)

Five annoying dicknecks go out for a little mountain climbing adventure and end up climbing into an ass whoopin'.  The End.

HIGH LANE starts out promising enough with the Alpha dickneck telling the other dicknecks how it's gonna be, then they drive along and sing and smile and smoke weed. Finally, they get to the mountain and climb around some.  It's all not very exciting.  Finally, shit starts hitting the fan and the story bogs down into the familiar, chased-by-a-crazed-hillbilly scenario that every horror fan has seen 666 times before.  Except this film has even less violence than normal and the killer is completely forgettable. Also, the entire film was just badly photographed.  I have no idea what look the filmmakers were going for, but HIGH LANE is a straight-up ugly movie to look at.  Bleached colours, insane amount of close-ups, nighttime scenes where you can barely tell what's going on, indoor scenes that are way too dimly light, non-stop shaky cam during the action scenes.

Outside of the one girls cleavage, I cannot think of a single reason to watch this movie. I didn't hate it, but there is simply nothing new or unique going on.  It's boring and chore to get through.

If you need me, I'll be in my room watching WRONG TURN 4.