THE PERFECT STORM (2000)

A group of fishermen (each with a heart of gold so pure that the mere sweat off their manly brows could cure a blind, one-armed orphan with terminal butt cancer) go fishing out in the ocean. They catch some fish and when they turn around to go back...there's the biggest hurricane in the history of the Universe standing between them and the mainland. They were warned multiple times that this storm is fucking huge, but goddamn it, the ice machine has conked out and they gotta get these future fish sticks to market!  Stat!  Fifty foot waves be damned!!! You can probably guess what happens next...that's right, Marky Mark uses the Shining to communicate to his wife onshore. 

When it comes to pure Hollywoodized excessively sentimental unicornshit, it doesn't get much sappier than THE PERFECT STORM. From the very beginning of the movie, the musical score was swelling and each character introduced was even more faultless and contrived than the last one. By the 15-minute mark I actually started profusely lactating what appeared (and tasted) to be strawberry milk! True story. Speaking of true stories, this movie was based on a true story. I've done zero minutes of research, but I'm pretty goddamn sure that most of the bullshit in this movie was bullshit. Like when the fishing boat did a barrel roll and survived or the scene were the boat was damn near vertical and George Clooney was still standing. I doubt that happened in real life.

That said, this movie was a lot of fun to laugh at. Everybody had horrible New England accents, Marky Mark and George Clooney had dueling whiskers (I even hoped, I mean, thought they were going to kiss at one point), people risked their lives left and right to save others, nonstop swelling music, tons of crying, cliches on top of cliches, painful dialogue and the best part? The failed attempt to make the audience give a fuck about the crew of the boat. I loved how each one was portrayed to be so pure of heart and saintly that they made Norman Borlaug look like fucking Hitler, but yet they were still selfish enough to go fishing after being warned repeatedly not to do so and then, even after looking at the weather bulletin, they vote to drive through the storm! That aspect right there removes any emotional connection that I might have actually had to the characters...no matter how immaculate they each were.  I guess God just wanted his angels back in Heaven.

Check it out with some friends and laugh.

True story (from my imagination): In the original cut of the movie, in the scene were George Clooney ghost rides the boat whip up the tidal wave halfpipe, somebody screams "Fuuuccck!  It's the perfect storm, bitchez!!!"

If Jesus had been on the Titanic it would have looked like this.

THE LAST LOVECRAFT: RELIC OF CTHULHU (2009)

Mildy-humorous Lovecraft comedy about a nerd who is the last living descendant of the Howard Phillips Lovecraft. He doesn't know this until a man comes to him from the Council and tells him he must protect this sacred relic from the followers of Cthulhu. Naturally, instead of just going to a bank and putting it in a safety deposit box the nerd and his two nerd buddies drive out to the desert to look for a retired sea captain who was once "fish-raped". Low-budget action and a few actually funny jokes ensue.

For a movie with probably a smaller budget than a episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", this movie is better than expected and the writing is good. Not great, but good. I was kinda disappointed in the lack of a big showdown fight and very disappointed in the absence of a cute female love interest, especially since this dude is the last living descendant of Lovecraft then it would be wise if the filmmakers maybe added a potential girlfriend to help carry on the bloodline (and the sequels). Also, it would add an extra layer to the story.

Complaints aside, I enjoyed the movie and even though I would never watch it again, I am interested in seeing a sequel if they make one. At only 78 minutes it's an easy, fun watch. If you like stuff like Buffy and Lovecraft then you'll be amused.

Sounds like somebody watched BOOTY CALL recently.

MYSTERY STREET (1950)

Highly entertaining police procedural about a small town cop (Ricardo Montalban) who's trying to solve the murder of a prostitute. All he has to go on is some bones that washed up on the beach. He takes the bones to Harvard Medical School and from what he learns there he starts his investigation. Who the bones belong to, how she ended up missing and whether she was murdered or not and if so by who? Of course all kinds of roadblocks arise including and lying witness and a landlady who's looking to blackmail the killer!

The story was well-written (it was even nominated for an Oscar), but the most surprising thing to me about the film is how wonderful Ricardo Montalban was. I've always known him to be a good actor, but he was really good here portraying the driven detective who starts to have internal doubts about the case. A lot of what goes on with his character is unspoken and Ricardo does an excellent job relaying all of that to the viewer. I kept finding myself wishing that they'd made an entire series of these crime dramas centered around his character.

As far as film noir goes MYSTERY STREET isn't a dark film filled with deep shadows. It's really just more of a mystery/crime drama, but who's cares? It's a great film and it would make an excellent double feature with T-MEN.

UNTIL THE LIGHT TAKES US (2008)

I'm always excited to see new metal documentaries both from a historical viewpoint and hoping that maybe I will discovers a few new bands. But neither one of those things happened here.  UNTIL THE LIGHT TAKES US is strictly entry level. If you know absolutely nothing about black metal or metal in general this movie is an alright starting point, but even then there's really not enough information.  I think there's something like 9 people interviewed total. You have the nerd from Dorkthrone, I mean, Darkthrone (I actually love Darkthrone); Varg (who's already been interviewed ten million times) from Burzum, Immortal and my favorite: the geek from Satyricon who tries to beat up a sofa and fails.  What a toughie.

There's no real structure, so it's simply a bunch of interviews talking about the same old shit: the church burnings back in the early 1990's, Dead killing himself and Count Grishnackh stabbing Euronymous to death. Ninety-nine percent of the people who would be interested in a black metal documentary already know all of this stuff.

New black metal fans might find the movie insightful, but I would have much rather it delved deeper into the genre and brought something new to the table.  If you need me I'll be in my room listening to "Live in Leipzig".

Frost tries to stab a couch (I don't know why) and the knife is so dull it doesn't even puncture it. It's hilarious.

PIG (1999)

PIG is a relatively obscure movie and after watching it I fully understand why. Let me give you the rundown...shot in b&w the film opens with a dude packing his belongings in a suitcase. There's a dead body nearby. He drives off into the desert. In the desert there's another dude walking around with his entire head wrapped in gauze. Somehow these two dorks hook up and drive to a old, shitty looking house. They go inside and the first dude (now wearing a pig mask) tortures the other guy by piercing his nipples and carving the word "PIG" into his chest. He then plays with the dude's wiener and extracts some blood from his arm with a syringe. He wraps the dead body in plastic and drives off, taking twenty-three wasted minutes of my life with him.

Avoid this movie at all costs.