THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING (2006)

Well...it was better than the 2003 reboot.

This time around we get to see Thomas "Leatherface" Hewitt being born (on the slaughterhouse floor) in 1939.  Fast-forward to 1969 and the Hewitt's small Texas hometown has dried up and blown away.  The slaughterhouse has shut down, so the family decides to start preying on humans for their meat.

That's an alright premise and the photography is better than in the last film, but honestly, it's still boring.  It's not as visceral, imaginative or as mean-spirited as the story deserves and instead it just comes off as yet another by-the-numbers big studio horror movie.  I've read a lot of TCM fan fiction over they years (and imagined a bunch myself) and there's hundreds, if not thousands, of better TCM stories to tell than this.  That said...passable acting by a boring cast (R. Lee Ermey is far and away the highlight of the film), minor blood, zero nudity, okay pace that slows down towards the end, predictable ending, boring Leatherface.  Yawn.  That one chick had some tig ol' bitties, so not everything was boring.

Part 1 - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Part 2 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Part 3 - Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)
Remake/sequel - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
Reboot 1 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Reboot sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
Prequel - Leatherface (2017)
Direct sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)

True story: I saw this opening weekend in a very crowded theater in Dallas, TX and right as the movie started a gigantic teenage girl goes thundering down the stairs like a stampeding baby elephant while announcing to the entire world "I GOTZ 2 GO PEEEEE!!!"  I have no idea if she ever accomplished her goal or not because I was probably asleep by the time she returned to the theater.

Soulless remake by the same soulless guy who made the equally soulless FRIDAY THE 13TH remake.  Set in 1973, we're introduced to five twentysomething teenagers returning from a drug run to Mexico.  While driving through the Texas backroads they pick up a hitchhiker.  Things go downhill from there and before you can yawn 666 times they're being terrorized by your average horror movie hillbilly family.  All the standard stuff is here: chainsaw revving, meathook hanging, screaming, mask made out of human skin, interior of house looking like the NIN "Closer" video, predictable story, zero nudity, zero scares, very minor blood, zero gore, annoying characters that cannot die quick enough, mysterious light sources, meaningless dialogue, dripping water, sweaty grinning yokels, etc.

The pace and production values were good enough to keep me from totally falling asleep, but I had absolutely zero interest in who lived or died or even what happened.  Honestly, the best part of the movie was Jessica Biel's tight clothes.  Baby buttfucking Jesus those jeans need to be put on display at the Smithsonian!  World Class Ass aside this reboot is about as mediocre as it gets.  Yawn.

Part 1 - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Part 2 - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Part 3 - Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)
Remake/sequel - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)
Reboot prequel - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)
Reboot sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
Prequel - Leatherface (2017)
Direct sequel to original - Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)