A MAN CALLED HORSE (1970)

Not to be confused with A Man Called Horse Pussy, A MAN CALLED HORSE is the unattractively filmed and surprisingly boring story of a dude who, way back in the day, is captured by Native American Indians.  You would think that that would be a bad thing and he'd be slowly tortured to death, but nope, this dude ends up having a better life than I do!  I’m over here so depressed that suicide won’t even cure my grief and this dude's walking around enjoying the daylight, playing a flute, leisurely picking berries as he flirts with a girl who lives in his tribe, hanging out with puppy dogs and riding a horse.  I say “his tribe” because his captors almost immediately take him in as one of their own and he’s given complete freedom to walk around and do whatever he wants.  Seems like a pretty chill life.  He even gets to work out his frustrations by occasionally killing members of other tribes.  Also, the “electrifying ritual” promised in the poster is completely voluntary!

Promising story idea that ends up being lame, zero tension, disappointing ending, slow pace, a few quick snippets of poorly shot nudity, boring action scenes, okay acting.  I wanted to like A MAN CALLED HORSE, but it ended up being a disappointment.  Watch it if you want, what the fuck do I care.

Part 2 - The Return of a Man Called Horse (1976)
Part 3 - Triumphs of a Man Called Horse (1983)

LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

Divided up into numerous smaller stories, LOVE ACTUALLY insults any human who possesses empathy and/or an IQ above room temperature with multiple vomitous, I mean, romantic tales about love.  For example: a woman is recently married and then when she discovers that her husband’s best friend likes her, she cheats on her husband with the best friend.  How romantic!  In another story, a husband is cheating on his wife and only after his heartbroken wife confronts him about it does he admit that he is a fool.  Too late now motherfucker!  In yet another heartstring tugger, a man catches his wife and his brother fucking, so he rebounds by seducing his non-English speaking housekeeper.  Wow.  That’s lovely.

The cast is very impressive and the acting is fine, but this movie can go straight fuck itself.  I hate the way it’s filmed, the musical cues for the intellectually stunted are insulting and the overall message is absolute rubbish.  If your marketing campaign is about how the movie is super romantic, then maybe have the film feature characters who are emotionally evolved enough to actually be honest with each other.  I’d rather be alone forever than get tricked into a relationship with a dishonest, soulless, weak-minded, chickenshit cheating sack of shit. Go feed yourself more lies.

Years ago I had the supreme misfortune to meet one subhuman in particular who thought this movie was actually romantic. She ended up having the personality of a war criminal and the morals of a tomcat who enjoys raping kittens to death, so maybe LOVE ACTUALLY is a good test to see if a person is a vile inhuman piece of shit or not.

FIRENADO (2023)

Not to be confused with ABBA’s Fernando, FIRENADO is the Satan awful tale of a group of scientists who claim to be able to control the weather.  But, in reality, when they fly their fancy drone into a small tornado it cranks that overgrown dust devil into a full-blown tornado.  Which then bursts into flames and becomes a dreaded firenado.  D’oh!  So now, with no back-up plan, the scientists drive around the countryside in their illuminated science van warning people that if they would just look up, you might notice a gigantic thousand foot tall spinning inferno heading in our direction.  Some people pay attention, some don’t.  An example of the ones who don’t are the three masked bad guys who are using the firenado as a cover for a home invasion heist.

If any of that sounds appealing and you have zero discern about storytelling, acting skill or filmmaking technique…then FIRENADO shouldn’t be too torturous for you to watch.  Below average acting, terrible special effects, nice cinematography, a tornado that changes size often, zero police or emergency services, below average pace, multiple pointless talking scenes, zero nudity, zero tension, shit ending.

FIRENADO is definitely watchable, but that’s kinda like saying repeatedly slamming your clit in the door of an orange 1986 Ford Escort is “doable”.  I just don’t know why you would want to.  Unless, of course, that sort of thing is your bag, baby.  Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.  Or just watch TWISTER again instead.