MONSTERS (2010)

A woman and a man journey on foot from Mexico through the "Infected Zone" to America. "What's the Infected Zone?", you ask. Well, that's where these aliens who look like giant octopuses made out of Christmas lights landed 6 years ago and now they stroll around doing...well, uh, well I actually have no idea what they do, because even though I watched this entire movie, the space octopuses were only onscreen for a few minutes and they just stood there doing nothing.

Outside of cheating gullible suckers out of their money, what is the point of this movie?! I love alien invasion movies and giant monster movies, so I was stoked about watching it, but all it ended up being was these two dorks just walking around. The End.

Skip this clunker with a vengeance. If you need me I'll be in my room watching STARSHIP TROOPERS while performing a Flip 6 3 Hole.

Part 2 - Monsters: Dark Continent (2014)

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: THE DREAM CHILD (1989)

Once again, the makers of the Freddy series prove they have absolutely no idea what the audience wants.  We want badass kills that'll make you jump up and yell "Oh, shit!!!", Freddy acting like a total asshole, hot naked chicks and some hot naked dudes (gotta be fair to everybody), a couple of good laughs, lots of scares, awesome photography, badass music, creepy atmosphere, quick pace, easy to follow story, sexy clothes...I could go on, but you get the idea.  Unfortunately, none of that stuff happens in ANOES5.

The two survivors from Part 4, Alice and Dan, are still together...and they're expecting a baby!  Awww.  Congratulations!  Too bad Freddy's shows back up and somehow starts messing with the baby's dreams.  Good lord, people get paid actual money to write this shit?!

Lame characters, low body count (3), goofy kills, zero nudity, low water pressure in the shower, average acting, rubbish story, Freddy turning into a motorcycle, Freddy riding a skateboard, Freddy wearing a shiny sweater.  Honestly, this movie is pretty crappy, but I've still seen this movie like 20 times.

Part 1 - A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Part 2 - A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)
Part 3 - A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
Part 4 - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
Part 6 - Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
Part 7 - Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)
Freddy vs Jason (2003)
Remake 1 - A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

THE CHASER (2008)

A pimp, Joong-ho, is getting pissed off because all of his whores are disappearing. He does a little investigating and finds out the phone number of the last john his missing sluts visited is always the same...the same one that his hooker, Mi-jin, went to go see tonight! He goes out looking for her with zero luck until he's involved in a minor car wreck. The driver of the other car is the killer. Joong-ho beats the shit out of him until the cops arrive and both are taken in. The killer confesses to the killings, just like he's confessed to other random killings before. Because of this bizarre behavior the police aren't sure if he's really the killer. So now with pretty much zero evidence and a police force full of idiots, Joong-ho has to locate Mi-jin before the cops inevitably release the murderer.

The story's a little far-fetched, but is still fucking awesome because the action never lets up. The entire movie Joong-ho is in motion whether he's running or punching or kicking or screaming this dude is going on a rampage!!! It's great. And so is the direction by first time director Hong-jin Na. I can't wait to see what he does next!

Great acting, more twists than a crazy straw factory, enjoyable violence, brisk pace...if you enjoy serial killer crime dramas then you can't go wrong with THE CHASER.

I'm not one to normally make predictions, but there's a little kid in this movie (Kim You-Jung) and as you know I hate children, but this kid can fucking act. I've seen her in three movies now (this film, HAEUNDAE and SYMPATHY FOR LADY VENGEANCE) and in each one she stands out due to her performance. I'm predicting that she's going to be a big star in the years ahead...or maybe not. What the fuck do I know?!

Looks like somebody's a fan of "Desperation" by Stephen King.