Friday, August 31, 2012

THE DICTATOR (2012)

Sacha Baron Cohen is the lifelong dictator of the fictional country of Wadiya. After the opening montage showing Cohen being a childish, spoiled butthole (living a life of luxury while his people starve, playing a FPS video game where he kills Jews, holding his own Olympics where he always wins, etc.) Cohen is forced to go to America to talk to the U.N. about his nuclear program. While in his hotel room he's kidnapped by an assassin hired by his own right hand man and replaced by an imposter. Stuff happens and Cohen is soon working at a grocery store run by a hippy. Blah, blah, blah...he learns some life lessons and falls in love with a Jewish woman. Yawn.

When Cohen was on Howard promoting his film he was very funny, but I couldn't see exactly where this film was going and now that I've watching it I still can't see what the point of it was. The jokes were only slightly funny, the love stuff was silly, the character of the dictator guy was a unlikeable asshole, the crude humor wasn't crude enough or funny enough, the political aspects of it was done better in DUCK SOUP, BANANAS and THE GREAT DICTATOR and the spoiled African leader down and out in NYC aspect was much better in COMING TO AMERICA.

I didn't dislike the film, but it's not worth wasting your time with. I'll never watch it again as long as I live. Skip it. If you need me I'll be in my room listening to Sexual Chocolate.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

HELLRAISER: INFERNO (2000)

Detective Joseph Thorne is your average pig: crooked, abusive, dishonest, intelligent...okay well maybe he's not average after all. One day while snorting coke, he's called to a murder investigation. After pocketing the money from the dead guy's wallet Thorne also takes The Lament Configuration box that's found near the mutilated corpse. He then goes home long enough to insult his wife and traumatize his daughter before going to a seedy hotel and getting baked with a hooker. During the night he starts messing around with the cube. Unlike the earlier movies, hooks and chains don't shoot out of the box followed by an entrance of Pinhead and Friends. Instead it starts of a chain of almost David Lynch-style nightmarish events. The hooker he was banging ends up dead and in order to save his own hide Thorne blackmails his partner by making it look like he killed the hooker! At the same time Thorne starts digging deeper into where the cube came from. The entire time he's haunted by visions of demons and everybody around him getting murdered.

Despite the fact that Pinhead is only in the movie for like 3 minutes(!!!) total HELLRAISER: INFERNO is an alright film. It's not really a straightforward horror film but more of a tripped out MULLHOLLAND DR.-style nightmare (and yes I realize MD wasn't even out when this film was made). If you're looking for a Pinheadfest then you're going to be disappointed, but if you go into it with an open mind you might actually enjoy it. H:I would have definitely been improved with a larger budget, but for what it is it's an entertaining watch. Will I ever watch it again? Probably not, but I don't feel that my time was wasted either. Check it out...or not.

Part 1 - Hellraiser
Part 2 - Hellbound: Hellraiser II
Part 3 - Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth
Part 4 - Hellraiser: Bloodline
Part 6 - Hellraiser: Hellseeker
Part 7 - Hellraiser: Deader
Part 8 - Hellraiser: Hellworld
Part 9 - Hellraiser: Revelations

I've had weekends like this.

Friday, August 24, 2012

HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE (1996)

The film opens on a space station in the year 2127. There's only one dude, Paul Merchant, on the station and he's using a remote controlled robot to open up The Lament Configuration. He's doing this in order to call up Pinhead and then destroy him with his specially made trap. Right as this is about to happen some military dudes bust in and take him prisoner. During his interview he warns them that Pinhead is loose on the ship and tells them his backstory about how back 400 years ago a relative of his innocently created the box for this secretly evil dude who conjured forth the demon Angelique who is a buddy of Pinhead. Evil shit happens and blood is splattered all over the joint. Fast-forward to 1996 and another guy in Merchant's bloodline was an architect who designed the building seen at the end of Part 3. Angelique pieces together that this is where the cube is (remember the concrete at the end of 3?). This sets off a chain of events where it's the architect dude versus Pinhead, Angelique and their dog. Back in 2127 the army guys are quickly killed off by the Pinhead gang, so now it's up to Merchant to kill Pinhead once and for all...or whatever.

One nice thing about the HELLRAISER series is you never know what the fuck you're gonna get. I remember seeing this at the very first morning showing on it's opening day and being confused during the opening scene...a space station! WTF? But then when the story set in I really got into and even bought that poster above. I still have it. I was so young that I even remember getting scared. =D Watching it again now, it's pretty dated and not scary at all, but still a fun ride. Pinhead talks a lot, Angelique is pretty awesome, the Chatter Dog is cool and the story is so out there you can't help but pay attention. It would've been nice if there was more nudity and gore, but hey whatever. For a mid-90's horror flick I think H:B is a good movie and a nice addition to the HELLRAISER series. Definitely worth watching if you're a fan.

Part 1 - Hellraiser
Part 2 - Hellbound: Hellraiser II
Part 3 - Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth
Part 5 - Hellraiser: Inferno
Part 6 - Hellraiser: Hellseeker
Part 7 - Hellraiser: Deader
Part 8 - Hellraiser: Hellworld
Part 9 - Hellraiser: Revelations

This looks better than that goofy ass Predator dog in PREDATORS.

HELLRAISER III: HELL ON EARTH (1992)

Awwww yeah! Pinhead's back! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You know wat I'm sayin? Dis time he done brought an early 90's fake Goth chick with him! Mmmmmmm. Daddy like. What? This thing's on? We're live? Ohhh shit... As you remember at the end of Part 2 Pinhead was defeated by the Channard cenobite and trapped in the Pillar of Souls statue. Fast-forward to 1992 and a club owner buys the piece to decorate his pad above the club. Blood gets splashed on the statue and Pinhead busts out! Boom! Then he goes downstairs to get freaky and spill some blood on the dance floor. A news reporter and her Goth chick sidekick are on the case. And what they find is...Hell on Earth.

I like HELLRAISER III. The story could have been better, but it's a fun trip back down early 90's horror memory lane. Gigantic cell phone, a CD cenobite, 90's rock club with go-go dancers, chicks with the sides of their head shaved short, flannel, weak special effects, acceptable screen time for Pinhead, some Pinhead backstory, blasphemy, blood, minor gore, funny 90's fashions. Modern audiences might not care for it, but true HELLRAISER fans will enjoy it.

Do not buy the American DVD release of HELLRAISER III. It is not the uncut version. The differences are not that big, but still why the fuck would you pay money to watch an edited version of anything (outside of CLUB DREAD)? If you need me I'll be in my room watching the uncut laserdisc.

Part 1 - Hellraiser
Part 2 - Hellbound: Hellraiser II
Part 4 - Hellraiser: Bloodline
Part 5 - Hellraiser: Inferno
Part 6 - Hellraiser: Hellseeker
Part 7 - Hellraiser: Deader
Part 8 - Hellraiser: Hellworld
Part 9 - Hellraiser: Revelations


Mmmm...early 90's fake Goth chick.

Nice cell phone.