BLACK CAT, WHITE CAT (1998)

"This is chaos!"

I love this movie. I've never had a desire to be an actual filmmaker, but BLACK CAT, WHITE CAT is pretty close to what I envision in my handsome brain.

Matko is a small-time swindler.  He lives in a large shack, with his teenage son, Zare, beside the Danube.  Matko is always coming up with (unsuccessful) ideas to make a quick buck.  His latest idea involves lying to a local mobster, Mr. Grga, to secure a loan to finance a train robbery.  He then involves another gangster, the psychotic Dadan (played by Srdjan Todorovic, in one of the funniest performances in movie history), to split the deal with him.  Unfortunately, Dadan double-crosses Matko and then demands repayment!  Being flat broke, Matko does the only thing he can do: agree to marry off Zare to Dadan's younger sister....but Zare has no plans on marrying Dadan's sister because he's in love with his girlfriend, Ida.

That's enough about the story. The real attraction here is the absolute insanity of this movie! It never lets up for a second. Right from the start, BLACK CAT, WHITE CAT blasts off like a rocket and it only get crazier as it goes! And yet, somehow, through all of the screaming and drug-fueled madness there is a sweet story of true love and family bonds.

I could talk much, much longer about WCBC (especially about Todorovic's absolutely brilliant performance or questioning why so many of the great actors involved with this film never appeared in anything else), but that would be unfair to anybody who hasn't seen the film.  Long story, short: BLACK CAT, WHITE CAT is an absolute masterpiece of storytelling and filmmaking, that deserves to be seen by anybody who loves Cinema.

Highly recommended.

THE CHILLING (1989)

Linda Blair works at a cryogenics laboratory. Dan Haggerty is their security guard. Forty-two minutes later, tinfoil wrapped zombies show up and boringly chase everybody around for the remainder of the movie. That's about it. It's not entertaining.  Everything is too dark, the budget was probably below $20,000 and one doctor had a giant sword in his office. You think all of that would add up to be a perfect recipe for a movie so bad it's good, but no. Outside of a few funny Dan Haggerty moments the entire movie was pretty tiresome.

The one highlight was towards the beginning when three bank robbers storm into a bank and start screaming at people. All the customers/workers are cowering in fear, when suddenly the armored truck guys barge in and yell for everybody to get on the floor. Immediately this one guy jumps up and announces loudly "I'm outta hear!" then bolts for the door. A bank robber shoots him in the back and the dude yells like he just jumped on a bicycle with no seat. "ACK!" He then grabs his back like an infomercial actor and falls down.  It was really funny.

Only for hardcore horror masochists and fans of wooden acting and badly written dialogue.

WHITE VALENTINE (1999)

As a teenager Ji-hyun Jun somehow (it's never explained) becomes pen pals with a soldier. He comes to visit her, but since she lied and said she was a older woman she chickens out. The correspondence stops.

Years later she's 20 and the man has moved to her town. He opens a bird store and by chance his favorite pigeon gets loose and lands on Ji-hyun's window. She doesn't know it belongs to him and slips a message in the pigeon's message holder and lets it go. It flies back to him. That is the start of their second relationship and you would think that might tell these fuckers they were meant to be together, but instead the movie just goes on and on without either one putting two and two together and hooking up. It was very frustrating.

Another thing I found irritating was the lack of close-ups on Ji-hyun Jun.  Yea, she might not be a star yet, but she's the lead in the film, so you'd think the director would fucking put two and two together himself and get some fucking close-ups! Grrrr.

Nice movie, but it left a lot to be desired. Worth watching if you like romantic movies, but don't expect too much.

THE FORBIDDEN LEGEND: SEX & CHOPSTICKS (2008)

"She had sixty orgasms, and I ejaculated eight times."

In the tradition of Category III hits like SEX AND ZEN and CHINESE TORTURE CHAMBER STORY cums THE FORBIDDEN LEGEND: SEX & CHOPSTICKS.

There's not a lot of story here (as a young teenager Simon Quig's father, a famous sexologist, began training his son in the art of the Iron Dick and also how to seduce and outsmart females. As an adult he goes around searching for the most beautiful women in the land to have sex with), but what makes SEX & CHOPSTICKS so much fun is it knows exactly who it's audience is and gives us exactly what we want: sex, tits, fighting and funny stuff. I'm usually pretty bored with most softcore skin movies, but I was laughing my ass off with this movie and the sex scenes were actually pretty goddamn hot!

Beautiful women and humor are the two main attractions here and both are home runs. When Simon was a teenager his father wouldn't allow him to have sex until he'd mastered the Iron Dick, so that means Simon was handlin' it nonstop. One time he busted a nut in school, it shot on the floor and his teacher slipped and fell on the floor causing a tit to pop out! Later on Simon is kidnapped by bandits and has a kung-fu sex duel the female leader to earn his freedom and the part that had me laughing out loud the most is since Simon has mastered the technique of the Iron Dick if anybody kicks him in the nuts they'll break their foot on his rock hard unit, but his servant is just a normal dude and for whatever reason he's constantly getting kicked in the nuts!  It was hilarious. The best part is whenever the servant gets kicked, you hear the bird twittering/whistling sound effect, but when Simon gets kicked you'd hear a loud metallic *clank!* sound. Goddamn, that had me rolling.

As far as the women goes there wasn't a bad one in the bunch.  They were all knockouts. I especially enjoyed his private tutor (Kaera Uehara) who has one of the hottest bodies around. The bald monk was also hot as hell and I think her sex scene was my favorite.

As far as softcore goes, THE FORBIDDEN LEGEND: SEX & CHOPSTICKS has it all: entertaining story, great sex scenes, some short but enjoyable fight scenes and humor that's actually funny. Check it out. I can't wait to see Part 2!

Also, did you know that if your lover is on the verge of death you can stick some acupuncture needles in her right nipple area and she will be restored to full health just long enough to have one last solid fuck session? It's true!

Part 2 - The Forbidden Legend: Sex & Chopsticks 2 (2009)

HEAVEN'S SOLDIERS (2005)

Those soldiers in THE FINAL COUNTDOWN were pussies! They only went back 39 years, the dudes (and chick) in HEAVEN'S SOLDIERS go back 433 years! Sadly, more years doesn't equal better movie.

North Korea makes a nuclear warhead and agrees to hand it over to America. A North Korean officer is unhappy with this decision, so with a small group of dedicated soldiers, he steals it. Hot on his tail is a group of South Korean commandos. Right when they catch up and start fighting a comet flies overhead and instantly transports them back to the year 1572. Why not?

Now in a hostile time period the two groups combine forces to figure out what the fuck is going on. The soldiers encounter a young man named Yi Sun-sin (according to Wikipedia he was a great military commander who lead Korean forces to victory against the invading Japanese military 23 times!). When the future soldiers meet him though his just a young aimless dude, but then they find out his identity and vow to protect him no matter what.

That's an OK story, but still I didn't like the movie. The entire thing is just too predictable and boring. Even worse is it looks like shit. I've seen TV shows with better CGI and special effects. The script is already weak to begin with and then the cheesy FX just took me completely out of the story. Skip it.

ROAD GAMES (1981)

[Update 03/30/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]