THE BEYOND (1981)

[Update 03/02/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Louisiana, 1927. A lynch mob beat, crucify and quicklimed an artist they accused of watching a Will Smith movie, I mean, being a warlock. Fifty-four years later, a woman inherits the same hotel that the artist was murdered (and secretly buried) in. She starts renovating the joint, but then all kinds of bizarre, surreal, creepy shits starts happening. If even 1/666th of the shit that happens to this woman happened to me I'd leave the fucking state, but nope, she's determined to open this hotel no matter what! Freak accidents? So what? Zombies? No big deal. Portal to Hell? Eh, it happens.

This is probably Lucio Fulci's best film, but that really ain't saying much since he wasn't all that good...yep I said it. He did use a lot of gore and have a unique vision, so for the most part, his more popular films are pretty watchable, but he lesser known movies, like say DEMONIA, are some of the worst shit you'll ever have the misfortune of seeing.

Back to THE BEYOND: it's an interesting horror film, but really not that good. The story is poop, but some of the visuals are impressive. If you have an interest in film history or horror movies then it's worth checking out, but honestly it's pretty boring.

URBAN LEGEND (1998)

Predictable, but enjoyable late-90's SCREAM clone.

There's a killer stalking a small group of college students, but instead of just hacking and slashing, the killer uses different urban legends like calling from inside the house, killer hiding in the back seat and headlight flashing to kill his victims. URBAN LEGEND isn't groundbreaking, but watching it again I got a little nostalgic for the simpler 90's, pre-SAW slasher films filled with cheesy alt-butt rock, no cell phones and funny looking internet sites...then again if you'd ask me what I thought of this film back in 1998 I probably would have said "It sucked balls." Oh well, I guess I'm getting old.

Zero gore, zero nudity, nearly all bloodless kills, low body count, 90's fashions, Alicia Witt looking hot as fuck, Jared Leto looking dreamy as fuck, Tara Reid looking only half busted, Danielle Harris dressed up as a Hollywood version of a goth (mmmmmm), Brad Dourif cameo, Freddy Krueger as a professor. For a horror movie, URBAN LEGEND is pretty shitty, but for entertainment it's passable and I got some good laughs out of it. Worth wasting your time with if it comes on cable and you're too drunk/high to change the channel.

Part 2 - Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)
Part 3 - Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)

LIMITLESS (2011)

Bradley Cooper is a loser. He wants to be a writer but he sucks, his girlfriend dumped him because he sucks, even his landlord hates him because he sucks. Then one day he runs into a dubious ex-friend who turns him onto a pill that will kick start his mind into using its full potential. He takes the pill and it's fucking amazing. Suddenly he can remember everything he's ever read or heard and thinks at a million miles per hour. He's super confident and can soak up knowledge almost instantly. He's like a superhero, he can even solve a Rubik's Cube...just using his dick. No hands. In 4 seconds.  That actually didn't happen.

Then comes the crash and he's a big dummy again. A dummy that remembers what it was like to be a god. He goes to the dealer, but some bad stuff goes down and Bradley barely gets out alive...but with a whole stash of pills! Boo-yah! He starts popping pills left and right and living the life of a super genius, but who are all these mysterious dudes trailing him? Hmmm. There's a few other side stories and that's where LIMITLESS derails. Instead of going one direction and kicking ass, it goes four directions and stalls out in all four.

Personality I would have been happy just seeing Bradley go all out with the pills, but instead I was bored with the stuff about the loan shark angle, the evil corporation angle, the side effects angle and the other users angle. Hint: I don't give a fuck. I just want to see a dude be a super genius, not getting in fights with mob enforcers.

The other thing that bothered me was it's was all very tame. They briefly implied that he was fucking random women, but they never showed anything. And worst of all he never really used his new found brain power for anything cool. Yeah, he made some money on the stock market. Big deal.

Worth a single viewing, but this movie already needs to be remade into a darker, more imaginative version. Oh yeah, and please don't use that over-saturated picture effect. It looks like shit.