Tuesday, October 4, 2011

AMERICAN PIE (1999)

"Suck me, beautiful!"

The main story is about four high school senior boys, who after various failed attempts at getting laid, make a pact that they're all gonna lose their virginity before graduation.   Now, that same exact story could be used in a rape-based horror movie, but luckily for us AMERICAN PIE isn't a horror movie, but instead probably the greatest high school sex comedy of the 1990's ever.

After the pact, the story splits into each boys attempts at getting laid, but at the same time the stories all overlap so it has a very natural, forward-moving feel to it. The main character, Jim, has the hots for the worlds hottest exchange student, Nadia. Kevin has a serious girlfriend, but she's all into love and "the perfect moment". Oz is a jock that decides to tap the untouched resource of the jazz choir. And Finch pays a female friend to spread wild rumors around the school about how he has a huge cock and once beat up a popular jock, Steve Stifler. Stifler gets his revenge though by putting some turbo laxative in Finch's coffee.  I still quote the "I can't hooooold it." line sometimes when I gotta take a power shit.

I love this movie. I was lucky enough to see it opening weekend in a large sold out theater and never in my life before or since have I heard an audience laugh so loud as they did at the scene where Jim did the striptease for Nadia. Honestly, I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. But that's not the only funny scene, the entire movie is just one awesome scene and classic line after another. Maybe it has to do with growing up in the 80's/90's, but to me AMERICAN PIE is classic and even after countless views I still love watching it. The characters are all realistic and likeable, the females are attractive, Shannon Elizabeth's topless scene is legendary, the script is smart and filled to overflowing with quotable lines, great soundtrack, the acting is great, the pace is fast. I like everything about this movie.

If you haven't already seen it and you have a good sense of humor, then I can't recommend it enough. I wish I could live inside this movie.  Maybe a weird, messed-up alternate reality with this film crossed over with HEREDITARY. Like live in Jim's place, but have the Paimon spirit from HEREDITARY haunting me.

Part 2 - American Pie 2 (2001)
Part 3 - American Wedding (2003)
Part 4 - American Reunion (2012)

URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY (2005)

The URBAN LEGEND series has to be the most disconnected horror movie series ever.  The first two films, at least, had a killer offing people using urban legends, but in Part 3 there's a fucking ghost (!!!) killing the children of the people who accidentally killed her during a high school prank (36 years ago!)...and she's using urban legends, I think. I don't really remember the one about the spider burrowing into my cheek while I'm asleep and then multiplying into a thousand clones of itself while I ram my face into a mirror and then cut my face off with the broken shards of glass urban legend, but whatever.

Anyway, like I said, back in 1969 some high school kids accidentally killed a chick during a prank and now 36 years later she returns to kill the teenage children of the assholes who killed her. Bottom line: zero tits, a few attractive females, multiple boring kills and one way over the top kill (the spider one) that was so ridiculous that I had to watch it twice, semi-confusing story and decent acting. Pretty much it comes off as a 3rd-rate FINAL DESTINATION clone that's worth watching if you're really bored, but don't expect anything amazing.

Part 1 - Urban Legend (1998)
Part 2 - Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)

This single shot was the highlight of the entire URBAN LEGEND series.

This one...not so much.

Monday, October 3, 2011

THOR (2011)

As far as superhero movies go, I enjoyed this one. Thor is a badass dude who lives on another planet, called Asgard. His father, Odin, is the king and about to retire and make Thor king, when the Asgardian's mortal enemies, the Frost Giants, send a group of dudes to try and bust into the Asgardian's armory. They're defeated and Thor gets all pissed off and wants to attack the Frost Giants. Odin tells him to chill out, but Thor says fuck this shit and attacks the Frost Giants. Because of his arrogance, Odin strips Thor of his power and banishes him to Earth.

Once on Earth, Thor is confused and fucked up because he doesn't have any power, but things aren't all bad because his fall to Earth was witnessed by astrophysicist Natalie Portman.  But he doesn't have time for romance, because it turns out Thor's butthole brother, Loki, was behind all the shenanigans that got Thor kicked out!  So now he has to figure out a way to get back to Asgard and plant his foot up his brother's ass.

THOR was a fun film and even though I didn't know anything about the character of Thor beforehand, I thought the movie did a good job of quickly, but not too quickly, introducing him and his world. I'm not a huge superhero fan, so this review might be a little simplified...I have no idea if Thor's cape was the wrong shade of red or the incorrect thread count, but as far as entertainment goes, I liked it.

My only real complaint, besides Natalie Portman not being the owner of a nudist colony, instead of an astrophysicist, is the fight in the middle of the movie (the fire face robot thing) was way better than the final showdown at the end of the movie. Also, Tadanobu Asano should have had a bigger role. He's way too talented of an actor to just have hanging around in the background.

The Infinity Saga

Phase One
Part 1 - Iron Man (2008)
Part 2 - The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Part 3 - Iron Man 2 (2010)
Part 5 - Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
Part 6 - Marvel's The Avengers (2012)

Phase Two
Part 7 - Iron Man 3 (2013)
Part 8 - Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Part 9 - Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
Part 10 - Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Part 11 - Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Part 12 - Ant-Man (2015)

Phase Three
Part 13 - Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Part 14 - Doctor Strange (2016)
Part 15 - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
Part 16 - Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Part 17 - Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Part 18 - Black Panther (2018)
Part 19 - Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
Part 20 - Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)
Part 21 - Captain Marvel (2019)
Part 22 - Avengers: Endgame (2019)
Part 23 - Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)

Phase Four
Part 24 - Black Widow (2021)
Part 25 - Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Part 26 - Eternals (2021)
Part 27 - Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Part 28 - Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
Part 29 - Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
Part 30 - Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

Phase Five
Part 31 - Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (2023)
Part 32 - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (2023)
Part 33 - The Marvels (2023)