Sunday, June 21, 2015

NO ESCAPE (1994)

"...death is the only way out."

Ray Liotta is a military dude who murders his commanding officer.  He's sent to a top secret island prison for some unexplained reason.  There's like 700 dudes on this island.  Six-hundred of them are in the "bad" gang and the remainders in the "good" camp.  The bad guys live in the jungle and are lead by some fruity fellow with three bridge piercings.  The good guys live on a walled-in farm and follow The Father, played by Lance Henriksen.  As expected the good guys and the bad guys fight a lot and there's various attempts to escape the island.

I remember seeing NO ESCAPE back when it originally came out and only being mildly amused.  Watching it again now, for the first time in 20 years, I enjoyed the nostalgia of it, the filmmaking style, the quick pace, the strong cast, the pre-SAW torture collar and the island locations, but overall it's a pretty "Meh." movie.  Mainly thanks on the sheer amount of plot holes (there's too many to even list here), the horrible miscasting of the bad guy boss (he's completely non-threatening and there is absolutely no way he could keep 600 psychos in line...the filmmakers should have made Lance Henriksen the leader of the bad guys), the lack of any gritty violence (if these guys are the worse of the worse then this island would just be a non-stop Hell of raping, mutilation, perversion and twerking) or memorable action scenes (how could the producer behind ALIENS, TREMORS, THE TERMINATOR & T2, THE ABYSS and the future director of  GOLDENEYE and CASINO ROYALE not realize the importance of awesome, jaw-dropping action scenes???) and the unsatisfying ending (I'm not going to spoil it, but that ending was lame).  And it looks like audiences thought the same, because after debuting at the #1 box office position on 1,763 screens, NO ESCAPE quickly dropped off and didn't even make it's $20 million budget back!  Yikes.

Worth a watch for fans of 90's action films.  Would make an interesting double-feature with 1993's FORTRESS.  I'd love to see a remake or even a video game.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

MOONRAKER (1979)

I don't know how much further I can go with this James Bond stuff.  I think I need a break.

In this installment, Bond is sent to investigate after a super villain who has to have spent trillions of dollars building a gigantic, secret(!!!) space station above the Earth (remember: this is in 1979!) in order to fill it with a master race of humans, kill all of the humans on Earth with a poisonous gas and then repopulate the planet with his perfect human followers.  Why space?  Even if you're going to have a master race cult and kill the entire population of the Earth wouldn't it just be easier to build a secret lair in a cave under a mountain?  I mean the whole reason Bond even got put on the case to begin with was because somebody was carjacking space shuttles.

Ludicrous story aside I actually kind of liked the film.  Roger Moore was as playful as always, quick pace, some pretty girls, a motorized gondola that turns into a car, a cable car fight scene, skydiving, goofy gadgets, beautiful locations, forgettable villain (who looks like a taller version of Tyrion Lannister...the HBO version), stupid one-liners and best of all: Jaws is back!  I like Jaws because he is just so inefficient!  I mean, he's so awkward looking that he can't go around without being seen from a mile away and his only real weapon is his teeth!  Why doesn't Bond just shoot and kill the dude?  They send Jaws out over and over and over to kill Bond and he never even comes close!  Instead he destroys everything and fails miserably.  It's ridiculous and wonderful.  They should have a Bond spin-off called Bond vs. Jaws where it's just Bond and Jaws fighting for two hours non-stop! 

 If you need me, I'll be in my room watching LE MAGNIFIQUE.

Two and a half thunderballs out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 13 - Octopussy (1983)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)