Tuesday, May 19, 2015

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)

When will the pain end?  Like a fool I agreed to review all of the James Bond films but each one is just as convoluted and silly as the last one.  At least this time around they got rid of that lifeless dork and brought back Sean Connery.

The story, as far as I can tell, is about this mega-villain dude who devises an highly elaborate and highly dangerous plan to horde all the diamonds in the world in order to make a laser satellite.  What??!  That doesn't even make sense!  Oh god, my head hurts.  So now it's up to Bond to travel around beating up women, stealing cassette tapes and driving a moon buggy across the desert in order to stop this guy.  It's beyond ridiculous.  Even worse than the brain dead story is the multiple times that Bond is completely incapacitated and nobody kills him!  On at least two occasions the bad guys knock Bond out cold then transport his body somewhere to be killed, then once there they set the death device in action and walk away!  "Well, I did all I could do.  Yeah, I could stab him or simply stand here for another 45 seconds but I gotta get home to watch Marcus Welby, MD.  See ya!!!"

Vintage Las Vegas scenery, mysterious scuba guys on the poster that don't even show up in the movie, multiple female nipples, cheap looking car chases, weak writing, a Sid Haig sighting(!!), cleavage, Bruce Glover hamming it up, a oil rig shootout complete with helicopters. 

One thunderball out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No
Part 2 - From Russia With Love
Part 3 - Goldfinger
Part 4 - Thunderball
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service
Part 8 - Live and Let Die
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me
Part 11 - Moonraker
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only
Part 13 - Octopussy
Part 14 - Never Say Never Again
Part 15 - A View to a Kill
Part 16 - The Living Daylights
Part 17 - License to Kill
Part 18 - GoldenEye
Part 19 - Tomorrow Never Dies
Part 20 - The World Is Not Enough
Part 21 - Die Another Day
Part 22 - Casino Royale
Part 23 - Quantum of Solace
Part 24 - Skyfall
Part 25 - Spectre