NEW MOON (2009)

I loved the first 20 minutes with Edward and Bella hanging out at school. That was rad.  What they should have done was make Bella a vampire then just write a million stories about them going from high school to high school together for the next few thousand years.  Anyway, for whatever stupid reason, Edward gets super moody and starts thinking that that if he leaves, the cold turkey approach will work and "BAM!" Bella will no longer be in love.  That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. So now Bella is super lonely and goes into a deep depression until she finally gets so lonely she's even willing to hang out with that creepy doucher Jacob.  Ends up he has a supernatural secret of his own.

Other stuff happens, but I'm not going to tell you. My biggest problem is Edward is the most interesting character in the story and there was a long period where he was gone. During that time I kinda started disliking Bella, because she's vapid and selfish and helpless. Edward's too good for her, but goddamn it she is hot.

Despite the presence of the human-sized tampon, Jacob, I really liked this movie and laughed a lot! It was great! I can't wait until Part 3, but I have a bad feeling that Bella's gonna piss me off, by shitting on Edward. I hope I'm wrong.

Part 1 - Twilight (2008)
Part 3 - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Part 4 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)
Part 5 - The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 (2012)

SCHRAMM (1993)

[Update 03/08/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

You would think a movie that features a hammer to the face, neck slitting, eyeball plucking and foreskin nailing would be exciting, but somehow Jorg Buttgereit found a way to make the 70 minutes to drag by.

The story is very unimportant. It's just about a wacko who lives in an apartment and has a hooker for a neighbor. He kills two people and poses their bodies in sexual positions. It never says how he gets rid of the bodies. The rest of the time he spends hallucinating, having sex with an inflatable sex toy, painting his walls, doing push-ups, putting lipstick on his pecker and then nailing his foreskin to a table. You know, just normal day stuff. I call that Tuesday.

Buttgereit's NEKROMANTIK is a cult masterpiece, but SCHRAMM sucks.

SCANDAL (1950)

"This is a protest film - it was directly connected with the rise of the press in Japan and its habitual confusion of freedom with license. Personal privacy is never respected and the scandal sheets are the worst offenders." - Akira Kurosawa.

Made between two of Kurosawa's earliest masterpieces (STRAY DOG and RASHOMON), SCANDAL is a film based on something very personal with Kurosawa himself (his dislike for the scandal sheets, especially since one had linked him romantically with actress Hideko Takamine), but overall the film is only OK. Takashi Shimura's performance is the main reason to watch the film. Kurosawa's direction is pedestrian and Mifune didn't have much to work with with his character so I guess you really can't blame him much for his lackluster performance.

Popular painter Mifune is on top a hill painting a portrait of a mountain when out of nowhere a very popular singer just wanders up. She's carrying a suitcase and is three miles from the nearest village. Mifune is going the same way so he gives her a ride. They are both staying at the local inn and a nosy romance magazine photographer just happens to be around so he takes a photograph of them standing together. Next thing you know the magazine writes up a steamy story about their secret love affair. It sells out instantly.

Naturally Mifune is pissed so he punches the magazine editor and then makes it known that he's going to sue them. Back when this film was made that was completely unheard of, I guess, so the whole thing blows up into a huge story. One night a pathetic, sad sack looking lawyer (Shimura) comes to Mifune's house and pleads with him to let him be his lawyer. At first Mifune is skeptical, but then he meets Shimura's sick as fuck, bedridden daughter so he hires him. Give me a break! Anyway, a bunch of shit happens, but it's all highly predictable.

SCANDAL is not a bad film, it's just bland. Even Kurosawa himself must have known it wasn't very good cause later on he said "...if it had not been for RASHOMON...I don't know what kind of slump I would have gone into."

Worth watching, if you love Kurosawa, but others will probably be best steering clear.

Boom mic shadow visible.

Boom mic shadow visible.

 

A CHINESE TORTURE CHAMBER STORY 2 (1998)

For a Category III movie, A CHINESE TORTURE CHAMBER STORY 2 is pretty weak and it's nowhere near as awesome as the original. This time around (there's zero connection to the first film), the film starts with an unattractive chick being unenthusiastically tortured. She has a flashback to this dude traveling by horse through the forest. Two guys attempt to rob him, but the traveler quickly kicks their asses and then begins reprimanding them about how they should live off the land instead of being crooks. He then spends the next 20 minutes bonding with them and their two woman and showing them how to fish and hunt. How exciting!

So these dudes are bonding and become sworn brothers. The traveler leaves and a year later he invites his two friends and their women to come live with him (he's a high ranking government official). They do, but it ends up the traveler dude is really a scumbag who's just using the two guys for some underhanded shit. You know what? Nobody gives a friggin' fuck about all this pointless story.  Let's just get to the goddamn torture and sex!!!

Compared to the original, Part 2 is a turd. There's a couple of brief torture scenes: tongue ripping, wax in ears, cutting, raped by a large burning hot phallus, but it's all pretty weak. Way too much time is wasted on meaningless story and character development. The other thing that really disappointed me the caliber of women. There was only one hot woman! She did get naked, but it was all too brief.

Bottom line: watch the original and just skip this one altogether.

Part 1 - A Chinese Torture Chamber Story (1994)