POLICE ACADEMY 5: ASSIGNMENT: MIAMI BEACH (1988)

Commandant Lassard is going to be honored as "Police Officer of the Decade" at a police convention in Miami Beach, Florida. That in itself is enough to confuse the fuck out of me because from the very first film Lassard has been portrayed as nothing but a buffoon. But whatever, it’s a good excuse for him and a few of his favorite cops to go to Miami. While at the airport. Our police officer of the decade accidentally spills a bunch of golf balls all over the joint and this causes a jewel theft to fall and accidentally swap bags with Lassard. So, for the next hour or so it’s just an unfunny series of skits showing the jewel thieves trying to get the diamonds back from an unwitting Lassard. At the same time, we also get treated to a long series of skits showing the cops in Miami. For example, Hooks yells so loud that some people fall into a swimming pool; Tackleberry shows his gun to a shark and the shark leaves the beach; Hightower throws a frisbee so hard that it lifts Proctor off the ground and a new cop writes the word dork on Harris’ chest while he’s sunbathing. I’m mean, these are some highly funny jokes. Just fucking next level shit.

POLICE ACADEMY 5: ASSIGNMENT: MIAMI BEACH is an odd film in that it is better than the previous film, but it’s still a stinker. The only real comedic bright light is Rene Auberjonois as the bumbling jewel theft. He was actually amusing with that stupid hair and tan and overacting. Other than that, every single joke was a dud. And seeing as there was there was zero nudity and almost nothing sexual going on at all, I’m almost tempted to believe that this is a kid’s movie. Or, at least, geared towards morons with the IQ's of toddlers.

Oh yeah, this was the first Police Academy film without Steve Guttenberg and it shows cause he’s usually the glue that holds the story together. Without him the whole thing just felt disheveled and aimless. There’s also a rumor that Bobcat Goldthwait wasn’t in this film but I don’t think anybody has ever cared enough to confirm that or not.

Part 1 - Police Academy (1984)
Part 2 - Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)
Part 3 - Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986)
Part 4 - Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987)
Part 6 - Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)
Part 7 - Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)

BLOODY MISTAKE II (2009)

I’m sure everybody remembers how Part 1 ended with the double-barrel shotgun blast of not one but two cliffhangers. The first being Ken staring at the maid’s butt and then Ken’s mom asking Princess if she loved Ken. Well, Part 2 takes up immediately where Part 1 left off with Ken walking outside to talk to his mom and Princess. Princess (once the mom leaves) telling Ken that she’s sore from Ken fucking her so hard! Or, at least, I think that’s what she said. For some reason the music in this film is literally at equal volume (or louder) than the dialogue and it was fucking me up. But in a good way since whatever I couldn’t understand I just added in myself. It was highly entertaining and honestly, I think Part 2 might even be better than Part 1!

Solid acting, great story that’s pretty much just Ken being a dumbass all the time (I loved it), new characters and old characters, lots of arguing, lots of new cliffhangers, a title screen that makes it look like the movie is called BLOODY II MISTAKE, super fast pace with new drama unfolding non-stop, multiple scenes where I was so excited that I had to rewind it to enjoy again, a very bizarre poster on Ken's wall. The only two complaints I have about the film are the mom character had way less screentime than she did in Part 1 and in one scene the mother of the young man Ken’s mom was fucking in Part 1 was watching television and it showed Sarah Palin. Ugggh! I’m trying to have a good time over here, nobody wants to see that reprehensible shit.

That one vomitous split-second scene aside, BLOODY MISTAKE II was fun from beginning to end. The 70 minute runtime flew by and I was legitimately upset when it ended. On yet another cliffhanger obviously.

Part 1 - Bloody Mistake (2009)
Part 3 - Bloody Mistake III (2009)