Monday, May 9, 2016

THE STORY OF THE LAST CHRYSANTHEMUMS (1939)

The shallowness of men and the sacrificial nature of women.

Tokyo, 1888.  Kikunosuke Onoue is a pampered douchebag.  He's the adopted son of one of Japan's greatest Kabuki actors and although he can't act to save his dick from falling off he's still very popular thanks to his famous father.  Also, instead of trying to hone his craft he goes out partying all the time.  One evening his family's maid, Otoku, tells him that he sucks and that everybody makes fun of him behind his back.  Kikunosuke's pride is hurt, but he is so "happy" about Otoku's honesty that he falls in love and wants to marry her!  His parents are horrified that he would try to disgrace the family name with such a scandal and after an argument Kikunosuke leaves town to make it on his own.  Now living with Otoku he still sucks at acting (but not as much) and they are dirt poor.  He also slaps her around.  Five years go by and Kikunosuke is still a dick, but he's gotten better at acting and is now ready to make his triumphant return to Tokyo.  Unfortunately, things don't turn out so well for Otoku.

I'm a fan of Kenji Mizoguchi (UGETSU is one of the greatest things I've ever seen), but THE STORY OF THE LAST CHRYSANTHEMUMS did nothing for me.  Maybe I'm too grumpy, but Kikunosuke's immature dickishness was too much for me.  The dude was just as insufferable at the end of the film as he was at the beginning!  Maybe that's the point, but I still don't have to like it.

Maybe I'll revisit this film in a few years when I'm more mature and wiser but as of right now, while I appreciated the craftsmanship that went in to the making of the film (although I didn't care for the 100% use of wide shots), I didn't care for it overall.

OCTOPUSSY (1983)

[Insert octopus pussy joke here.] Alright, now that we got that out of the way...

After a fellow agent (009) is found murdered while carrying a fake Faberge egg, James Bond is called in to get to the bottom of the mystery.  The clues lead him to India and after cracking a few jokes about sword swallowing, snake charming and sleeping on a bed of nails, Bond finds out that a renegade Soviet general is in cahoots with an Afghan prince who himself is conspiring with a jewel smuggler named Octopussy who also owns a circus.  At the same time, the Russian general is looking to blow up a nuclear bomb in West Germany and there's this guy with a saw blade yo-yo, another guy who can crush dice with his bare hands, Bond hides in a gorilla suit and floats around in a fake alligator...what the hell is going on?!!!

After the relatively straight-forward story of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, things go off the rails in this one.  I was capable of following the story, but it was way too confusing for its own good.  And the cheesy stuff like the Tarzan yell and the car driving on the railroad tracks just made me roll my eyes in disbelief.  And speaking of disbelief...at one point Bond (in a gorilla suit) was in a railroad car hiding from two assassins, he makes a sound, the one guy hears him, grabs a sword then walks over (like 10 feet) and chops off the gorillas head at which point we see Bond jumping through a hatch in the ceiling.  How the fuck did Bond take off the gorilla suit, get it to stand up on it's own(!!!), run across the car and jump through the hatch all unseen in the same time it took the other guy to simply walk across the room?!  Total bullshit.  I understand that Bond is suppose to be bigger than life and unkillable, but goddamn, that scene was just too silly for me.

Goofy scene after goofy scene, boring bad guys, average looking "Bond babes", Bond swinging from vines while giving the Tarzan yell, average pace, confusing story, lame gadgets, knife-throwing twins, clowns, nice stunts (that airplane one at the end was very impressive), that one guy from RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II, explosions, the word "octopussy" said many times.  For example: Bond sees a girl with a small octopus tattoo and she tells him "That's my little octopussy."  Ohhh, brother!

Worth a watch for Bond fans, but I can't see myself wanting to watch it again anytime soon.

Two and a half thunderballs out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)