THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY? (1969)

I've long had a fascination with dance marathons, not the bullshit 12-24 hour ones they have nowadays for charity, but the Depression-era dance marathons where they would pretty much just torture the contestants for days, weeks and sometimes even months!!!  And it wasn't just dancing, but also speed-walking, eating while standing up, figure-eight races, blindfolded racing, heel-to-toe sprints, "cot nights", racing while tied together and so on. 

THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY? is about one such dance marathon.  Our penniless heroes, Jane Fonda and Michael Sarrazin, enter a marathon dance contest with a prize of $1,500.  Things go smoothly for the first 600 hours or so, but then the lack of sleep, mental/physical exhaustion and the roar of the blood-thirsty crowds really start to take its toll.  Still these desperate people fight on.  How long can it possible go?

A dark subject matter like this would have been perfect for directors like Polanski or Kubrick (can you imagine the intensity of the end game in a dance marathon film by Kubrick?!), but that didn't happen, so instead of a masterpiece about dehumanization and a social commentary with some black humor mixed in, we get an alright but overall forgettable film that honestly was kinda boring.  The speed-walking scenes were engaging, but other than that I really wasn't into it.  None of the characters were successfully fleshed out, the flash forwards were distracting and unneeded, the pacing was a drag, the sets and costumes looked just like that, the continuity of the contest didn't come off very well and that ending.  Lame.

It might sound like I disliked the film, but that's not true.  It just didn't click with me.  I'm sure there's tons of people out there that love this film (hell, it had 9 Oscar nominations and even won 1).  I'm just not one of them.

DEADLY FRIEND (1986)

Neurology and artificial intelligence nerd Paul moves to a new town to attend college.  He brings along his homemade robot BB.  BB seems pretty cool, but he has some deep seeded anger issues.  Paul's thrilled to meet his sexy new neighbor Kristy Swanson, but not so thrilled about her abusive father.  During an innocent Halloween prank they think it'd be funny to ring the doorbell of the cranky old lady across the street.  Bad idea.  As soon as Kristy gets up on the porch the old bat charges outside and kills BB with a shotgun.  A short time later Kristy's dad beats her to death.  I think you can see where this is going.  That's right.  Zombie robot.

You would think that since Paul is a teenager he would turn his new zombie robot girlfriend into a pleasure unit, but he's doesn't even have time for that because as soon as she wakes up she goes on a killing spree.  Including one of the greatest kills in the history big studio movies: the basketball scene.  Holy fuck.  Anybody who saw this movie as a kid knows what an unexpected shocker that was.

As entertainment I liked DEADLY FRIEND.  It seemed like it had its heart in the right place, but at the same time it seemed kinda uneven.  Like it was going in too many directions at once.  Interesting premise for a story, alright acting, nice simple look to it, surprising violence, weak science, zero nudity.  Honestly I wouldn't mind see a remake of the story.  Worth a single watch at least.

JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY (1993)

Wisely skipping the storyline from the last few films (and that is the only wise thing this stupid motherfucker does) JASON GOES TO HELL opens with Jason just chillin' in the woods, hanging out when some chick comes by and Jason starts chasing her...right into an FBI trap.  If, at this point in the film, you didn't stand up and put your fist straight through your TV then you're not a true Jason fan.

So there's a trap and they blow up Jason.  Literally exploded.  His charred remains are taken to a morgue where the coroner eats Jason's heart.  Grrrrrrr...I can feel my blood pressure rising!  So now, possessed by Jason's "spirit", the coroner goes around killing people in lame ways.  For whatever reason the possessed body gives out quickly so (like in THE HIDDEN) this slug-like thing changes host bodies throughout the film.  That is until Jason finally regains his body and his niece (say what?) stabs him in the heart with a magic knife (oh my fucking Satan!!!) and all of the spirits that are trapped within him (what the fuck?!  When did this happen?) are released and ascend into Heaven (are you fucking kidding me?) while Jason is pulled down to Hell by big goofy hands and Freddy fucking Krueger (well, there goes another TV with a fist fucking through it)!?

Fuck this movie.  The amount of blasphemy towards the sacred character of Jason is unacceptable.  Also, Jason's head looks like a baked potato.  Do not watch under any circumstances...unless you're at my crib and you want to watch me punch out two TV's.

Also, while Jason is pulled underground at the end of the movie, the audience never actually gets to see him in Hell.  If the filmmakers were determined to name this film Jason Goes to Hell, then why didn't they make it a HELLRAISER crossover?  That could have been dope!

Part 1 - Friday the 13th (1980)
Part 2 - Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
Part 3 - Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
Part 4 - Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
Part 5 - Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
Part 6 - Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
Part 7 - Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
Part 8 - Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Part 10 - Jason X (2001)
Freddy vs Jason (2003)
Remake - Friday the 13th (2009)