DIE ANOTHER DAY (2002)

Miranda Frost: "I take it Mr. Bond's been explaining his Big Bang theory."
Jinx Johnson: "Oh yeah.  I think I got the thrust of it."

The film starts with Bond surfing into North Korea.  After a botched assassination attempt, which leaves one of the intended targets with diamonds embedded in his face, Bond goes on a hovercraft chase.  He's eventually captured and tortured for 14 months, as shown by the torture/dance/opening credits montage set to Madonna singing "Die Another Day".  Bond is eventually released and appears to have absolutely zero mental or physical scars from being tortured 24/7 for the last 425 days.  Right off the bat, he's back to beating up bad guys and long-dicking hot broads.  He's also informed by the British government that they believe that he spilled secrets during his imprisonment.  So now he's off to clear his name...

The trail leads to Cuba where Bond finds the diamond-faced dude undergoing some kind of FACE/OFF-style face transplant.  All kinds of ridiculous action takes place, but it's nothing compared to the silliness that takes place at the main bad guy's "ice palace" in Iceland!  Holy moly.  It's beyond description.  The only thing I can think of is DIE ANOTHER DAY was written by a child and/or it's intended to be a comedy.  It's just soooo over the top that all you can do is laugh at it.  So, in that regard, DIE ANOTHER DAY is very entertaining.

Goofy dialogue, one hell of an entertaining sword fight, windsurfing (with used car parts) on a tidal wave through an iceberg field, flying a plane through a massive solar-powered light beam that's powerful enough that it's exploding the ground thousands of feet beneath the plane, completely insane armored car battle, a fistfight in a room full of deadly lasers, good acting, a MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL reference, having sex on a pile of diamonds (that doesn't even sound comfortable), quick pace, good acting.  On the plus side, Pierce Brosnan makes a very good James Bond.

Three thunderballs out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 13 - Octopussy (1983)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)

You get it?  He's telling John Cleese that it's just "a flesh wound".  Hardy-har-har.

OCTOPUSSY (1983)

[Insert octopus pussy joke here.] Alright, now that we got that out of the way...

After a fellow agent (009) is found murdered while carrying a fake Faberge egg, James Bond is called in to get to the bottom of the mystery.  The clues lead him to India and after cracking a few jokes about sword swallowing, snake charming and sleeping on a bed of nails, Bond finds out that a renegade Soviet general is in cahoots with an Afghan prince who himself is conspiring with a jewel smuggler named Octopussy who also owns a circus.  At the same time, the Russian general is looking to blow up a nuclear bomb in West Germany and there's this guy with a saw blade yo-yo, another guy who can crush dice with his bare hands, Bond hides in a gorilla suit and floats around in a fake alligator...what the hell is going on?!!!

After the relatively straight-forward story of FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, things go off the rails in this one.  I was capable of following the story, but it was way too confusing for its own good.  And the cheesy stuff like the Tarzan yell and the car driving on the railroad tracks just made me roll my eyes in disbelief.  And speaking of disbelief...at one point Bond (in a gorilla suit) was in a railroad car hiding from two assassins, he makes a sound, the one guy hears him, grabs a sword then walks over (like 10 feet) and chops off the gorillas head at which point we see Bond jumping through a hatch in the ceiling.  How the fuck did Bond take off the gorilla suit, get it to stand up on it's own(!!!), run across the car and jump through the hatch all unseen in the same time it took the other guy to simply walk across the room?!  Total bullshit.  I understand that Bond is suppose to be bigger than life and unkillable, but goddamn, that scene was just too silly for me.

Goofy scene after goofy scene, boring bad guys, average looking "Bond babes", Bond swinging from vines while giving the Tarzan yell, average pace, confusing story, lame gadgets, knife-throwing twins, clowns, nice stunts (that airplane one at the end was very impressive), that one guy from RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II, explosions, the word "octopussy" said many times.  For example: Bond sees a girl with a small octopus tattoo and she tells him "That's my little octopussy."  Ohhh, brother!

Worth a watch for Bond fans, but I can't see myself wanting to watch it again anytime soon.

Two and a half thunderballs out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)