PAIN & GAIN (2013)

Very loosely based on actual events that happened back in mid-90's Miami, PAIN & GAIN tells the story of three addle-minded bodybuilders (of which only one actually has a ripped body) who come up with an absurd plan to kidnap a local businessman and torture him until he signs over all of his wealth.  That part works, kinda, but since all three of these idiots are morons they quickly blow through all of the money on women, coke and material bullshit.

How much you like PAIN & GAIN will depend a lot on your sense of humor.  If you're a card carrying member of the No Fun Club then you'll probably dislike it, but if you're open-minded and look at it like it's a really dark comedy then I think you'll get a kick out it.  It's flashy, crude, violent and a fun watch.  My biggest surprise came from how much I enjoyed Dwayne Johnson.  Dude plays a Jesus lover, but once he gets his hands on a pile of cash his true colors come out and he's coked to the gills and drowning in pussy!  His performance stole the whole movie.

And yes I know it's not even close to being historically accurate, but I don't give a fuck.  It's Michael fucking Bay.  The same guy who shit, pissed, vomited, farted, jizzed and rubbed his boogers all over the FRIDAY THE 13TH, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE franchises for a quick buck, so what do you expect?

Super quick pace, ton of laughs, Dexter's apartment, Bar Paly looking hot as fook, The Rock looking big as fuck, Marky Mark looking all swole, lots of bright colors.  Check it out.

FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)

Blah, blah, blah...a bunch of years ago Jason's mom, campers, drown, decapitated...blah.  So now some annoying weedsmokers come along, go camping and talk about stupid shit.  Jason kills them in boring ways while lens flares shoot off like it's the Fourth of July.  Fast-forward six months and another, maybe even more annoying, group of douchers show up to par-tay.  There's also a handsome, sulky guy on a motorcycle looking for his missing sister.  Once again, Jason shows up and kills a bunch of people.  The End.

When I sat down to watch this I figured it was going to piss me off, but luckily it was too soulless to anger me.  Instead of getting upset I just kinda sat there in a daze wondering how much time it must have taken Jason to dig all of those tunnels and then wire them with electricity and booby traps.

Forgettable kills, Jason looks stupid, Danielle Panabaker looking hot, zero gore, very little blood, bonerless tits, Jason the electrician, lens flares, annoying dialogue, binge drinking, weed.  Better than that JASON GOES TO HELL, but it's still a weak cash grab.  Skip it.

Part 1 - Friday the 13th (1980)
Part 2 - Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
Part 3 - Friday the 13th Part III (1982)
Part 4 - Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
Part 5 - Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
Part 6 - Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
Part 7 - Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
Part 8 - Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Part 9 - The Final Friday: Jason Goes to Hell (1993)
Part 10 - Jason X (2001)
Freddy vs Jason (2003)