Wednesday, February 13, 2013

JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY (1993)

Wisely skipping the storyline from the last few films (and that is the only wise thing this stupid motherfucker does) JASON GOES TO HELL opens with Jason just chillin' in the woods, hanging out when some chick comes by and Jason starts chasing her...right into an FBI trap.  If, at this point in the film, you didn't stand up and put your fist straight through your TV then you're not a true Jason fan.

So there's a trap and they blow up Jason.  Literally exploded.  His charred remains are taken to a morgue where the coroner eats Jason's heart.  Grrrrrrr...I can feel my blood pressure rising!  So now possessed by Jason's "spirit" the coroner goes around killing people in lame ways.  For whatever reason the possessed body gives out quickly so (like in THE HIDDEN) this slug-like thing changes host bodies throughout the film.  That is until Jason finally regains his body and his niece (say what?) stabs him in the heart with a magic knife (oh my fucking Satan!!!) and all of the spirits that are trapped within him (what the fuck?!  When did this happen?) are released and ascend into Heaven (are you fucking kidding me?) while Jason is pulled down to Hell by big goofy hands and Freddy fucking Krueger (well, there goes another TV with a fist fucking through it).

Fuck this movie.  The amount of blasphemy towards the sacred character of Jason is unacceptable.  Also Jason's head looks like a baked potato.  Do not watch under any circumstances...unless you're at my house and you want to watch me punch out two TV's.

Part 1 - Friday the 13th
Part 2 - Friday the 13th Part 2
Part 3 - Friday the 13th Part III
Part 4 - Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Part 5 - Friday the 13th: A New Beginning
Part 6 - Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
Part 7 - Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Part 8 - Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Part 10 - Jason X
Freddy vs Jason
Remake