THE ONLY SON (1936)

I know I said back in my UN CHIEN ANDALOU review that Bunuel was The Greatest Director of All Time, but the more films I watch by Yasujiro Ozu the more I think I might have been wrong. Bunuel was a different style of director, but I've seen some of his films that were less than stellar and a few that even bordering on bad. Ozu on the other hand, I've yet to see anything by him that wasn't stellar and more than a few that are masterpieces. None of this is to disparage Bunuel though, being the #2 Greatest Director of All Time is still pretty good.

THE ONLY SON was made in Japan in 1936, but the story is universal and still touching today. In 1923, Tsune is a widowed factory worker in a small town. She wants her young son, Ryosuke, to get an education and become a great man so she sacrifices everything she has (even selling her homestead and living in a tenement at the factory) to send Ryosuke to Tokyo so he can go to school.

1936. She hasn't seen her son in thirteen years so she goes to Tokyo to see him. Once there she's heartbroken to see that he's just a night school teacher living in a small house with a wife and baby. She hides her sadness and makes the best of the visit, but still inside she is devastated that her boy, who she gave up her entire life for, is just average.

Anything wise that I could say about THE ONLY SON has already been said in Tony Rayns' brilliant essay here, but I'll go ahead an throw in my two cents and say that I liked this film a lot. It's probably too slow for most people, but if you give it a chance I think you'll like it. The final (wordless) scene is heartbreaking.

Double feature with THERE WAS A FATHER.

NEGATIVE HAPPY CHAINSAW EDGE (2007)

Fucking horrible. A dork who can't even wear his pants correctly is walking home one evening when he sees a cute girl. He goes over to talk to her when this dude jumps off the fucking moon(?) and starts chopping shit up with his giant chainsaw!!! The girl stabs the dude in an open wound on his chest and he flies away.

After that CGI enhanced, over-stylized flying around on wires fight scene we're treated to probably an hour or more of this guy talking. I hated his guts from the moment I saw him so I was in Hell. Finally towards the end there's another fight scene and it's the same ol' shit we saw earlier. Fuck this boring turd. Zero gore, medium attractive girl in a schoolgirl uniform, zero blood, zero tits, annoying as fuck script filled with way too much talking. Skip it.

When I saw the DVD cover I was expecting a gritty Japanese version of the original THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, instead it's more akin to a Power Rangers episode or X-CROSS. Very disappointing. I love how the cover says "Uncut Special Edition"...what's to be "Uncut"?! This movie wouldn't even get a PG-13. I don't even think anybody even cussed once!

If anybody needs me I'll be in my room watching reruns of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

DAYBREAKERS (2009)

A few decades in the future a virus has turned the majority of people turn into vampires who dress like they live in the 1940's and drive cars that make a bizarre wrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound. To satisfy the populations demand for human blood, corporations hunt and farm humans for their blood. But Ethan Hawke doesn't drink human blood and even tries to help some humans he's found.

Interesting concept, but DAYBREAKERS is not an interesting movie. Which is sad because I really like the idea of a vampire world, there's some many ways the story could go (do the vampires breed?, do they have churches? if a vampire is trapped in a child's body can it legally have sex with an "adult"? what's it like for the vampires that have day shift jobs? are there vampire animals? do vampires want to explore outer space?, etc.).  Instead DAYBREAKERS boringly narrows the story down to hematologist Ethan Hawke who is working on a blood substitute. By chance, he nearly has a car wreck with a band of human refugees who have teamed up with ex-vampire Willem Dafoe.  Ex-vampire you ask?  Yes, he used to be a vampire until a car wreck cured him...or something.  I don't know.

Anyway, boring story stuff happens until finally some machine guns come out and something happens or not. Once I saw this was just another Hollywood by-the-numbers small band of people vs. the Big Corporation/Government story I started daydreaming about taking a nap.

Very little violence, CGI blood, zero gore, boring vampire world. Skip it.

CRIME IN THE STREETS (1956)

Ohhhh brother! This movie is so dated and naive that I'm curious if anybody ever took it seriously? The opening scene has two street gangs (the Hornets and the Dukes) squaring off for a rumble, they fight and despite the fact that most everybody has a weapon (one dude even has a board with a giant nail in it!) nobody gets hurt outside of a few bumps and scratches. Next up, the Hornets kidnaps a Duke member and beat his ass in an alley. The gang leader's upstairs neighbor sees one kid pull a zip gun on the hostage and calls the police. He's arrested, so the Hornets decide to get revenge by killing the rat. The rest of the movie is the slow-boil build up to the appointed time for the murder.

CITS is so cheesy that it could have easily been a Christian movie.  All you needed was for the social worker guy say "Jesus loves you." every once and a while.  When I saw director Don (DIRTY HARRY) Siegel's name on the credits I had high hopes that this film would rock, since he did PRIVATE HELL 36 just two years earlier and INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS the same year, but no such luck. The entire movie was obviously shot on a sound stage and might have even been made for television, it sure looks like it was. I think Siegel was just cashing a pay check on this one. And that leads us to the acting...it's actually pretty good, even though the teenage gang leader was played by 27-year-old John Cassavetes.

If you like old juvenile delinquent films where the "bad guys" are such giant dorks it's almost painful to watch then CRIME IN THE STREETS is for you.  Good for a laugh only.  Skip it.

TAXIDERMIA (2006)

[Update 11/28/2023: Need re-watch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Got an extra hour and a half of your life that you want to throw straight down the drain? Then TAXIDERMIA is the answer for you!

Without giving too much away, the story starts out with a total loser scumbag who can't get laid for shit and resorts to fucking a hole in a wood wall or masturbating while thinking about a little girl. Eventually he impregnates a woman and has a baby with a tail. The baby grows up to be a champion sport eater and an a world class dork. He impregnates a woman and she gives birth to a really small baby that goes up to be a skinny freak with zero social skills. Eventually he goes nuts and taxidermies himself.

I have zero idea what the point of this movie is, but there isn't a story, all of the characters are repulsive and even though a lot of critics seem to think that it's visually stunning I didn't. I found the entire thing pointless and boring. I kept waiting for the story to start, then after like 20 minutes I started to realize that there isn't one.

If I'd written a script this lame I would have thrown it in the trash. Skip it with a vengeance.