HALLOWEEN II (1981)

A lot happened in the horror movie industry after the original HALLOWEEN exploded onto screens in October, 1978 and when Part 2 finally came out in October, 1981: PHANTASM, ALIEN, THE SHINING, ZOMBIE, PROM NIGHT, TERROR TRAIN...just to name a few, but, I think, most importantly it was FRIDAY THE 13TH and FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2!!!  That's right, the people behind the F13 franchise managed to pop out two films in between the time it took the HALLOWEEN people to churn out the first sequel.  (Plus, when you look at the time period, there wasn't a lot of sequels around.)  The wait was worth it though, cause HALLOWEEN II is a lot of fun. 

Picking up exactly where the original lets off, Donald Pleasence shoots Michael and he falls off the balcony. Donald runs outside...and the asshole ain't there! The paramedics come and take Jamie to the hospital, so what does Michael do? He takes an Uber to the hospital and starts killing the fuck out of everybody! It's awesome.

Early 80's slasher were the best and although HALLOWEEN II only has one brief topless scene and Michael's not really that intimidating looking, it's still a solid movie with a jackrabbit pace and a steady body count. My favorite kill was the one where Michael stabs the nurse in the upper back and literally picks her up with the knife. That's hardcore.

Respectable body count, Donald Pleasence freaking out, people making dumb decisions non-stop, hammer to the skull, fire, blood, explosions, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD on TV, sexy nurses with hot 80's hair, pre-THE LAST STARFIGHTER Lance Guest, brief appearance by Lucille Benson, no cell phones, cool HALLOWEEN theme, Jamie Lee Curtis wearing a wig, annoying nurse clogs that irritated me every time I saw them, vintage cars, syringe to the temple, some guy getting "trick or treated to death".

HALLOWEEN II is required viewing for horror fans.

Part 1 - Halloween (1978)
Part 3 - Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Part 4 - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
Part 5 - Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
Part 6 - Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
Part 7 - Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)
Part 8 - Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Remake 1 - Halloween (2007)
Remake sequel - Halloween II (2009)
Sequel to Original - Halloween (2018)
Direct Sequel 2 - Halloween Kills (2021)
Direct Sequel 3 - Halloween Ends (2022)

SORUM (2001)

Quite possibly the most boring horror movie of all time. Nothing happens the entire movie. Some dude moves into a grody looking apartment. The neighbors talk about some bad shit that happened 30 years(!!!) ago. Blah, blah, blah. Lots of talking, lots of cigarette smoking, some people wrestle and fight, it rains, a guy walks around holding a hamster cage. The End.

WASP (2003)

Coming in at only a deceiving 26 minutes, WASP packs a sizable punch. Single mother of four Zoe is a shitty mother and shouldn't even be given control of a fucking goldfish, but yet she has four little children all to her own. But that ain't going to stop her from having a good time. The film opens with Zoe dragging her brood along while she fights another woman. After the fight, she runs into an old friend and he (unknowing of her children) asks her to meet him at a bar later. She agrees even though she doesn't have a babysitter. No problem she just brings the kids along and dumps them off in the parking lot. The rest of the film is what happens to the children in the parking lot.

The is Andrea Arnold's third short film. All three of her short films are well made, but there is a clear improvement with each one. MILK and DOG were both very good, but WASP is excellent. The only real complaint I have is it's a short film. I would love to see a full-length version of this story.

WASP is available as an extra on the FISH TANK Blu-Ray, which you should already own. If not, then you're probably a cunt face and going to die of fish A.I.D.S.

MY MIGHTY PRINCESS (2008)

So you got this girl who's the direct descendant of martial arts masters, but she doesn't give a shit. She just wants to be a normal girl. Her father is extremely disappointed. She has a crush on a fellow student and even joins the school hockey team to be near him. Tons of boring shit happens until finally she has to use her natural wire-flying, sword fighting skills to save the day or something like that, maybe, I don't know, I was so goddamn bored that I had to resort to snapping a mousetrap down on my testicles just to stay awake.

Everything about this movie annoyed me. The story was overly complicated and stupid. The main actress played the girl so stupidly that at time I wondered if maybe she was borderline intellectually disabled. The fight scenes looked so goddamn fake it made me want to jump 40 feet in the air, flail my legs like an electrocuted octopus then fly down and kick my TV in the pussy. The girl's main friend was intellectually disabled. The side story about the teenage hockey player being in love with the old woman made no sense what so ever and took up probably 30 minutes of the movie! Why?! And all of the flashbacks were completely worthless.

Before this film I held Jae-young Kwak in high regard, but after this disaster I'm really confused as to how the same human being who accomplished something as perfect as MY SASSY GIRL could have even sunk to such artistically low level to make some crap like this. I'm still in a state of shock over how shitty this movie was.

And speaking of shock...what the fuck was up with the Tae-hyun Cha cameo?! When he appeared onscreen I jump up so quickly that the mousetrap flew off my ballsack and hit my cat in the whiskers.

Skip this terrible, terrible film and just forget that it even exists. Go rewatch MY SASSY GIRL again instead.

Are sword really suppose to bend backwards like that?

GAY SEX IN THE 70'S (2005)

[Update 11/28/2022: Need rewatch this film and add more screenshots.]

For a micro-budget documentary this is a good introduction to the gay scene in the 1970's, butt the title is misleading since it only tells the story of gay men in New York City in the 70's. There is absolutely nothing about anything outside of NYC which is sad because I was hoping this would talk some about gay lifestyles in other countries. Butt, oh well, I still enjoyed the film and was amazed by all the archival photos and video, especially the gay docks, "the trucks" and St. Mark's Baths! Holy Elton John testicles! That was some crazy shit!!! The St. Mark's Bath sounded fucking awesome!

My biggest beef though is there just wasn't enough meat to the story. Yea, everybody is suckin' and fuckin' and fisting and hawk tuahing nonstop, butt hearing about it over and over chafed me kinda raw. I wanted the film to penetrate deeper into the story. Instead, it just kinda poked around the rim of the whole story. I wish there had been some interviews with somebody other than just the sex participants, like city officials or doctors or even some anti-gay preachers to look at the story from a different perspective. Also, a brief introduction would have been nice.  People mentioned "Stonewall" and "LGBT", butt what if you had no idea what those words meant?  You'd have to look them up yourself.

Those are just a few small complaints, don't let it scare you off from diving mouth first into this film. And at only 71 minutes it's packed tight with juicy information. For those out there keeping score: numerous rear nudity, a few flaccid wieners and no penetration.

TROG (1970)

Some cave explorers find a live caveman.  He whips the shit out of them and the two survivors take shelter at a local research center. Scientist Joan Crawford hears about this creature and uses her "hypno-gun" to capture the beast.  She takes him back to her lab to teach him different things like how to wind-up a toy, how to throw a ball and the colour "Blue. Blue. Blue.", but not "Red." because red makes Trog angry! Grrrrrrrrr. Another thing that makes Trog angry is the other scientist who's jealous of Crawford and sets out to sabotage the entire thing.  Part of his plan is to piss off Trog really bad then let him go (note to self: make sure I'm in a safe position before releasing a pissed off caveman). Once loose, Trog tears up all kinds of stuff and even kidnaps a child.

As bad as TROG is, it's not nearly as bad I had expected. Yea, it's cheesy, the story is rubbish, the budget is low and the Trog outfit looks like crap (it's actually a leftover from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY), but Joan Crawford really gives her all for this shitty movie and I can't badmouth that.

Outside of Joan, I can't think of any reason to watch this movie. If you're a horror fan looking for some caveman rampage carnage you're going to walk away pissed and if you're a bad movie fan looking for a movie to laugh at you'll find yourself straining to find stuff to even make fun of. My suggestion is unless you're a Joan fan then just skip it altogether.