TREMORS (1990)

"Underground goddamn monsters!"

TREMORS is the greatest 1950's monster movie of all time!

The small, isolated desert town of Perfection, Nevada (population: 14) is a great place if you want to get away from things.  It's a million miles from nowhere, tucked away in a valley surrounded by mountains so high that even radio signals can't get out.  If you want peace and quiet, then it really is perfection.  That is until some large underground worms move in and start eating everybody!

Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward are the town handymen. They're sick of this boring dump where nothing ever happens. One morning they have an unfortunate septic tank experience and that's it!  That's the final straw! They pack their stuff and start hightailing it out of town, "now there's nothing, and I mean nothing" that's going to stop them from leaving, except maybe, the monsters that have blocked the only road out of town.  Now they have no choice but to warn the others and fight the monsters by whatever means they can.

I love TREMORS.  I've seen it well over a hundred times and I enjoy it every single time.  It's such a charming movie.  Scary monsters, unique and memorable characters that all have great onscreen chemistry together, fast pace, absolutely perfect build-up during the first act, pole vaulting, breathtaking scenery, quotable script full of funny lines, outstanding acting, strong ending that leaves you wanting more.

Over the years TREMORS has become like an old friend.  It could be playing on TV while I'm laying on my death bed and I'd be happy.  Highly recommended. 

Part 2 - Tremors II: Aftershocks (1996)
Part 3 - Tremors 3: Back to Perfection (2001)
Part 4 (prequel) - Tremors 4: The Legend Begins (2004)
Part 5 - Tremors 5: Bloodlines (2015)
Part 6 - Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell (2018)
Part 7 - Tremors: Shrieker Island (2020)

The original Brokeback Mountain Boys.

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963)

This is more like it. DR. NO was boring and too serious, but FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE is a little bit lighter and more in line with the James Bond template we're used to. Fresh from his trip to Jamaica, James is sent to Istanbul to investigate and steal a Russian decoding device. Naturally, he nails a few random women and then uses his cocksmithing skills to pussywash (that's brainwashing, but on the pussy) a woman who is working for the Russia embassy. She helps Bond steal the decoder, but then they have to escape back to England.

Good movie and much more entertaining than DR. NO. This time around Bond actually has a few simple gadgets (teargas suitcase, hidden knife in same suitcase) and best of all he has a an evil henchman to fight in the form of Robert Shaw, who's great. I really wish his role have been bigger. As far as the women go: the chick with the crazy eyebrows from DR. NO is back and begging for more brutal blowjobs; Bond also one-man gangbangs two gypsy women (and they love it!!!), but his main squeeze is the Russian girl who is nonstop begging to get fucked. It's kinda funny. Still, I wish the budget was higher and there was more action. I got a little bored.

Three thunderballs out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 3 - Goldfinger (1964)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 13 - Octopussy (1983)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)

CLOWNHOUSE (1989)

Four quick things about CLOWNHOUSE: 1) there's no real actual clowns - with clown superpowers - it's just three escaped mental patients dressed as clowns 2) there's hardly any action until the very end 3) this movie is gay in a uncomfortable NAMBLA-style way. The three main characters, all young boys, appear topless a lot, bare assed or in their underwear or sitting in a bathtub while his two brothers watch(!!!). They also talk about pubic hair and peeing the bed and other creepy stuff in uncomfortable child molester-ery ways. Plus, when you think about it, the story is about three adult men (chickenhawks) stalking three young underage boys (chickens). 4) It's the first movie of Sam Rockwell, so that's kinda interesting.

Three young boys, who are left alone in a large, secluded house are stalked and hunted by three escaped mental patients who dress like clowns. Interesting idea, but this movie is very, very slow. Honestly, I fucking hated it. If I was a little kid it might scare me, but as an adult you can see all of the scares coming a mile away (little boy reaching for his brothers hand while his head is looking the other way; camera panning away from the "dead body" while boy uses phone; camera showing large area behind boy while he's messing with fuse box; etc.). Another thing that upset me was it took damn near 30 minutes for the killers to even get into the clown make-up! That's way too long for a set up...the entire movie is only 81 minutes!

Bottom line: if you like watching young boys walk around half-naked and then later on stalked and wrestling around with grown men, then check out CLOWNHOUSE. If you want to watch a real horror movie about clowns then...well, uh, you're probably out of luck. I guess you can always read IT again. Or for full-blown clown weirdness watch KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE.